Kate Hackett
We’ve established in previous articles that marriage is hard. It’s work, you know? You have to compromise and put someone’s values and preferences at least on the same plane as your own. After years of being single, sometimes that’s really difficult. Not impossible! But hard.
And so it’s probably to the benefit of everyone to visit therapists and marriage counselors even before there are problems. If you can stave mistakes, wouldn’t you want to? On Reddit, u/Zorra_ recently asked
“Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?”
Check out this list of mistakes from that viral Reddit thread to avoid.
1. Bring up the past
“Bringing up past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue.” —mrmrmrj
2. Intimacy
“Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention, including sex. Many relationships start with the ‘hot and heavy’ phase in which intimacy comes naturally. But as that phase diminishes, many couples don’t spend the time and energy to figure out how to maintain it.”
3. You don’t have to always feel in love
“Thinking that they have to feel ‘in love’ at all times, and that if they don’t, then they obviously married the wrong person.” —mwehofer12
4. Listen to HEAR
“Listening to respond and not listening to hear.” —cplkm
5. Get out
“Allowing family and friends to get too involved in the relationship. Remember the saying, ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth?’ Yeah — exactly this.” —Being_grateful
6. They aren’t psychic
“Expecting that because your significant other is around you most, that they are aware of ALL of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic!” —natgoeshome
7. Sexual incompatibility
“Sexual incompatibility — as in, one person viewing sex as a bonding activity while the other views it as a utility.” —BlucatBlaze
8. The team
“Forgetting they’re on the same team, and fighting to win instead of fighting to resolve.” —pjninja8488
9. High expectations
“Expecting one person to be everything for you. You need friends, coworkers, hobbies, and a support system, too.” —fairiefire
10. They aren’t your everything
“Being someone’s everything.” —BaboonAstronaut
11. Fix X first.
“When one person says, ‘I’m unhappy about X,’ and their partner responds, ‘Well, I’m unhappy about Y!’ Fix X first. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.” —mrmrmrj
12. YES to this
“Waiting until your relationship is already DOA before coming to therapy, and then expecting your therapist to revive it in one hour.” —BellicoseBelle
13. Yelling
“Yelling instead of troubleshooting.” —mossbacher
14. The hurt cycle
“When one person is hurt and instead of saying so, they try to hurt the other person back. Much of the relationship damage couples endure is the back-and-forth ‘hurt each other’ game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage.” —Mightymeatballs
15. Not loving your partner enough
“Treating their pets better than their partners.” —LAW1212
16. Values
“They say people divorce over money, but they don’t — they divorce over values. And nothing brings out someone’s values — or lack thereof — like money. If you can’t understand the person’s priorities, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and what drives them financially, if you look down on them for any of that, or if think you’ll be able to fix any of that, don’t marry them.” —LauraMcCabeMoon
17. Don’t have a kid.
“Bringing a child into a broken marriage expecting them to be the lifesaver — it has never worked and will never work.” “A child is supposed to be the consolidation of the mutual love of the couple because the marriage is in a good place, not the other way around.” —an_annoyed_jalapeno
18. A judge
“Going to a marriage counselor thinking they’re like a judge and will tell you who’s right and who’s wrong.” —bwnmc3
19. Business
“Marrying someone they wouldn’t go into business with. I’m a paralegal, and I always tell people that if you can’t imagine yourselves opening a dry cleaning business, creating the next great start-up, or running a B&B together, then DO NOT marry that person. Because marriage is a legal business, a contract that creates a business relationship with the other person. And to marry them is to open a business enterprise with them.” —LauraMcCabeMoon
20. It’s a union
“One of the most toxic things I’ve found in marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who ‘happen’ to be together, and not as a couple. I’m not advocating enmeshment, but that’s not really marriage. That’s having a roommate.” “Marriage is a union of two people — that’s what the sand and knots are all about. If either member thinks of themselves as a solely autonomous individual whose actions impact only themselves, things will eventually go bad.” —Negromancers
