My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018
My phone updated and now my husband and I have the same exact emojis. We may never have to speak again.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) August 14, 2018
I bought a heavy duty night guard bc I grind my teeth. My husband likes feeling like he’s sleeping w Wayne Gretzky.
— 🎄 Scrooge o’Bitches 🎄 (@SudsBitches) August 18, 2018
If my wife wants to argue, we’re going to argue – doesn’t matter if I’ve already agreed with her – we have to argue until she says everything she planned to say.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2018
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Me: Omelette you eat now
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) June 29, 2018
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 22, 2018
Person: what does your husband do for a living?
Me: he’s the President of Putting Up With My Shit.
— not the WORST mom 🤷🏽♀️ (@nottheworstmom) July 31, 2018
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) August 13, 2018
Me: *trying to be romantic* I bought wine.
Wife: What kind?
Me: I don’t remember.
Wife: What does the bottle look like?
Me: A cardboard box.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) August 9, 2018
Couples on Facebook brag about their love and perfect life together. Meanwhile it’s a good day when my wife and I are still speaking to each other after going grocery shopping together.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) August 20, 2018