Kate Hackett
We see a lot of posts from AskReddit and even AskWomen but over in the AskMen world, they have decent questions & responses too! Check out a post from u/Fumquat. He asks:
“Men who have obligation sex with their wives, and truly don’t enjoy it, How does that work?
What happened that led you to this point?” We’ve weeded through some of the dopier answers and compiled a list of good ones for you. Enjoy!
1. Overworked
Overworked, stressed, not enough sleep, you become a zombie.
2. Not Good
My ex wife considered that she had no responsibility for sex. It was my job to initiate, my job to know when to initiate or not, my job to seduce, my job to take the many rejections, my job to discover her likes and dislikes, my job to make her orgasm multiple times, my job to know when she’d had enough (or not), my job to provide after care, my job take care of my own pleasure.
At the beginning I loved pleasuring her (I’m a pleaser) but I got nothing out of it. After a while it became a job, just like the cleaning, then it became so I didn’t like it, I felt it was unfair and out of balance. Then I didn’t really like doing it, . . . really really didn’t like it, I hated it. It was so filled with disappointment, isolation, abandonment. Without a doubt, a lifetime of no sex is better than a lifetime of bad sex. She wouldn’t communicate, she wouldn’t listen, she’d make fun of me for initiating at the wrong time, and then make fun of me for not knowing she had been in the mood. She gave me the silent treatment every time she wanted it and I hadn’t known, I stopped imitating altogether, stopped going to bed at the same time as her (to minimise opportunities for her to be angry with me). Even thinking about sex for me was a combination of ice cold isolation, and dealing with days of passive aggressive Cold War after she had wanted it.
When we reached the point where she wanted kids I forced myself, but couldn’t do that very often, she tried emotionally manipulating me into sex by being angry and hateful, she’d play the victim to coerce me, eventually it just broke me.
I left over 9 years ago, and I’ve been through something of a rebuild, but my relationship with sex is very complicated now.
3.Small Things
You grow apart over the years, small deeds stack and turn into a simmering brew of animosity deep down. Before long everything they do pisses you off and having sex is an act of maintenance only done to fulfill a need, like eating a shitty granola bar for lunch.
4. Painfully
I’ve lost the will to instigate sex with my wife. It’s a constant barrage of no, not in the mood, shaming me for wanting to go twice in a week. At some point you just get sick of the rejection. Then when she actually wants sex, there’s no real effort made, like just climb on board and She’ll just lay there. She expects me to just jump at the chance like I’ve just won the lotto and then make snide comments about me being eager if I do. Hurts man…
5. Bitter
Bitterness over accumulated actions. Used to love whom I was with and with time, they have continued to stray from that person I fell in love with. So what used to be an action performed with love and connection, now simply has a “might as well” dictation behind it.
6. A little ray of sunshine in the thread
For those saying “damn I don’t wanna get married”
Just here to say that I’m married with a fantastic sex life; the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
People who have these problems aren’t due to the marriage, it’s due to their inability to continue growing in their marriage. People either grow apart but stay together for xyz, and often do little to fix it until it’s too late. Others probably just shouldn’t have been together to begin with, and then yeah… xyz… too late.
7. A chore
Ex-wife turned sex into a chore and I stopped enjoying it. I dreaded it. The burden was always on me. She wants to have sex, she needs 20 minutes of foreplay and another 15 of oral to be wet enough to enjoy it. If I used lube, I was lazy, and the sex wasn’t good enough. If I wanted sex and she wasn’t in the mood it was always a hard no, but if she wanted it and I didn’t I was less of a man. It broke down my self esteem and destroyEd my sexual desire for her. That was also my fault.
8. No communication
Every time she wanted sex she never vocalised it. She would poke me a little and if I didn’t respond enthusiastically immediately, she’d turn over angry and that was it. If I wanted sex it was “I’m tired” or “it’s too hot”. Then she cited the lack of sex life as an issue in the marriage.
We just separated two weeks ago.
9. Loss of attraction
In the time that we’ve been together, my partner has gained over a hundred pounds. When we do occasionally have sex, I don’t enjoy it because I’m not attracted to them. I just get pressured into it enough that I eventually give in. I try to drop hints about dieting/working out, but it never last for more than a month. It would make me a real ahole to divorce someone for being overweight, and I’m just not that kind of person. So I guess I’ll stay in my sexless marriage. Real healthy, I know.
10. Emotional baggage
Very crude & short answer, to a much longer discussion. Because emotional baggage really builds up over time. To the point that it kills any desire. Secondly, she’s borderline medically obese now. I didn’t marry her so that she could throw any expectation of basic appearance maintinence out the window.
Society tells me I’m supposed to support her and feel bad for her. Fuck that bullshit. If you’re unpleasant to be around and unattractive, I’m not fucking you.
Sex is a choice. She’s allowed to say no and so am I.
11. It was weaponized
When we were younger, she was always mad and made me pay for it with either no sex or cold fish/lifeless. As we got older, her female libido picked up and I was now dreading it. We had to learn to have fun. Visit Adam and Eve store near you. Watch instructional videos. Use ribbed condoms. There are a lot of things to do to spice things up. If all that fails, counseling is real and it can help if your sex life is worth saving.
12. Rejected
She me rejected nearly every single time I’ve initiated over our 8 years together. We still had sex once or twice a week on average, but it had to be her idea. Nothing I tried worked. We had conversations, and I always tried to meet her where she is.
About a year ago I couldn’t take it so I decided that I need to stop treating sex as a need because she isn’t going to meet that. So I just stopped wasting my time trying to get her to have sex with me. I know it isn’t ideal, but good god it feels nice. She noticed I wasn’t initiating at all after a few weeks (I don’t reject her, I just don’t persue) and she started crying to me that she doesn’t feel wanted anymore.
I’m not sure what to tell her, because in truth I’ve found I can’t want her. Because when I do, I don’t get her. I don’t want to live like that.
It isn’t that I dread having sex with her, but I’d prefer not to spend the time doing it generally.
It’s been a year, and it’s sort of a tragic place for her because I know she’d like to feel desired, but she isn’t willing to meet me even halfway and I’m done living like that. I feel free in regards to sex.
13. Same ol
It all turned around when it just becomes the same and no fun. When things that were sexy at the time turns into “oh this again?” When I try to talk sexy and she makes it weird talk. It gets to repetitive and trying to spice it up just turns into a joke.
14. No drive
Not married but have been with my gf for a few years now and we have sex like once a week which is entirely my fault because I have no sex drive but my gf wants it 24/7 idk how it’s effecting her but she seems to be able to deal with it. Most people here have it the other way around their wife’s are the ones that don’t want sex and they don’t seem to care that their husbands aren’t getting any, this makes no sense to me because it breaks my heart that I don’t satisfy my gf and that’s why I don’t understand why some peoples so just don’t seem to care that their so aren’t being satisfied or even mock them for wanting it.
15. Trying to conceive
Trying to get pregnant, only wants to do it when she’s ovulating, as if we are wasting resources or efforts if we do it when she’s not. Yes I would love to have another child but I also want to have sex out of love whenever it feels right, not just as a effort to create life.
16. Instability
Not wife but lived with a girl for 2 years. Bottom line I was too young and I was financially unstable. I recognize it I wasn’t a man or really didn’t want to be with her. I wasn’t even attracted to her … I was waisting my time and hers. I loved this girl but I never was “In love”. Financially we were great but I was sooooo un happy. Fucj that gentleman be happy don’t waste your time. It’s not worth being with someone you don’t feel anything
17. Tired
The wife and I are in a somewhat hiatus for some months now. Nothing wrong with us, we love each other deeply, we like to spend time together, no fighting and no cursing. We do things together, we even bought a course together and are currently studying in order to open our own business. But sex is not happening and I think that the issue is with me, even tho we are always both very tired. Not sure how to fix this.
