Lindsey Weedston
AITA posts can range from harmless to the extreme, but when it comes to parenting, and children involved, these kinds of stories take on an extra layer of importance and careful consideration.
A complex and rather tragic entry in Reddit’s “Am I the A–hole” forum has kicked off a hearty discussion in the comments after a woman described a difficult decision to refuse to meet with the biological child she gave up soon after birth.
While it may sound heartless on its face, there’s a reason why this woman was voted by Reddit users as “NTA.” As is often the case, the post headline can’t possibly explain the whole story.
This was not a simple case of a woman getting pregnant and not wanting the baby.
Initially, she did want to get pregnant with her husband and have the family life she dreamed of, but said husband threw a wrench into her plans by cheating — and getting the other woman pregnant, too. Then he had the nerve to convince her not to get the abortion she wanted.
OP explains the background:
Many years ago, I was married to man named Mark. 2 years into the marriage, I found out he was cheating on me and got the other woman pregnant. It was a huge blow because I too was pregnant with his child. I was only 9 weeks pregnant and was determined to abort the child and divorce him. He begged me to reconsider, and insisted I give our relationship a second chance, and so I did, albeit reluctantly.
I had a very unhappy pregnancy and when I was 6 months pregnant, I learned that he never stopped seeing the other woman. He told me that he was torn and that he was in love with both of us. I wasn’t willing to tolerate any of that bullshit, so I moved out and filed for divorce. I wanted him to disappear from my life, but being pregnant with his child made things difficult.
I never bonded with the baby , and the baby being his offspring contributed to the negative emotions that I felt.
I told him that I didn’t want this baby. So when he got together with the other woman, I gave her the choice to adopt the baby, which she did. With that, I officially signed over my parental rights as soon as the girl turned 6 months old (I left the day she was born). When I left, I told Mark that I didn’t want anything to do with the girl and the other woman was free to be her mother.
I moved to another country and tried to leave that part of my life behind. I met a wonderful man and we got married. He knew all about my past and now we have 3 wonderful kids who are 9, 5 and 2 years old.
Recently, my ex Mark contacted me out of the blue and told me that my biological daughter, who is 14 now, wants to meet me. Apparently, his wife had passed away and before she died, she confessed that she wasn’t her biological mother.
She concludes:
I’m torn. I don’t want to meet this kid. It was very difficult for me to leave that part of my life behind. I was depressed for years. I reminded him that I gave up my parental rights years ago and that I wanted nothing to do with both of them. I planned on telling my kids about their half sibling once they were grown and mentally mature, not right now when they are still so little. I told him to never contact me again and hanged up.
AITA?
“2 years into the marriage, I found out he was cheating on me and got the other woman pregnant. It was a huge blow because I too was pregnant with his child,” she wrote. “I was only 9 weeks pregnant and was determined to abort the child and divorce him. He begged me to reconsider, and insisted I give our relationship a second chance, and so I did, albeit reluctantly.”
As the OP continued to put herself through a pregnancy she didn’t really want, her husband continued to see the other woman behind her back. When she inevitably found out, she rejected his excuse of being in love with both of them and filed for divorce. Unfortunately, she found it difficult to move on from such a devastating end to her marriage while pregnant with his kid.
It was likely too late for her to get an abortion, so instead, they made an arrangement. The OP signed over her rights to her biological child to her husband and his mistress and made it clear that she didn’t want to have anything to do with the kid or ex ever again. Without a proper attachment to the baby, this was likely the best course of action she could have taken.
“I told him that I didn’t want this baby. So when he got together with the other woman, I gave her the choice to adopt the baby, which she did. With that, I officially signed over my parental rights as soon as the girl turned 6 months old (I left the day she was born). When I left, I told Mark that I didn’t want anything to do with the girl and the other woman was free to be her mother.”
Feeling the need to start over, OP moved out of the country, met a better man, got married, and had three more kids. But 14 years later, her ex broke their agreement by contacting her because her biological daughter had learned the truth shortly before her adopted mother died.
“Recently, my ex Mark contacted me out of the blue and told me that my biological daughter, who is 14 now, wants to meet me. Apparently, his wife had passed away and before she died, she confessed that she wasn’t her biological mother.”
OP reported feeling “torn,” worried that she would be a bad person to deny the kid her wishes but still feeling like she did not want to bring up such a painful part of her life after suffering depression for years over what her ex-husband did to her.
Commenters, however, supported her decision to cut off contact and worried that her meeting with her biological daughter might do the kid more harm than good. The 14-year-old might be disappointed to find that her birth mother still can’t be there for her in the way that her adopted mom was, and what seems like kindness could actually be cruelty.
Some also felt that regardless of how it might affect the child, what the OP wants and needs is also important and she is under no obligation to risk her mental health for the kid’s sake after she gave up her parental rights.
Some, however, did feel that the OP should meet with her biological daughter, believing it could give her closure or help answer the often nagging question that children with adopted parents have — why did their biological parents want them?
