Gwenhwyfar Frazier
The Irish playwright George Bernard Shaw once wryly observed that youth is “wasted on the young.” This is perhaps nowhere truer than in romantic relationships. When we are young, we have fewer scars, more energy, the ability to give love freely, and feel wonder at connecting with another person.
However, we also know much less about the world than we’ll later come to learn. As a result, many of us—particularly women and femme-presenting people—put up with an endless array of bulls**t when we’re young, because we don’t know any better yet.
Redditor u/FoxyFoxMulder asked:
“What is something that you tolerated in past relationships that you never would now?”
Here are twenty women sounding off about the things they’ve tolerated in past relationships (even marriages!) that they’ll never put up with again.
1. Lying
“Dishonesty. My ex—on top of being physically and emotionally abusive—would lie to me about little and insignificant things, like hiding the fact he bought a video game. It only grew into more serious lies from there. Honesty is one of my absolute top priorities in a relationship, both platonic and romantically.”
2. Pressure to perform The Chill Girl Routine
“I always thought of it as cool girlfriend syndrome. Letting so much go and trying to be chill. While sacrificing your needs and wants. Trying to be the cool girlfriend that’s not too needy, doesn’t demand much etc.
Edit: it’s closely related to “not like other girls.” And it’s really not entirely all our fault. It’s derived from misogyny.”
— 9070811
3. Regularly prioritizing other people over you, his partner
“My ex did this all the time and said “I’ll prioritize you when we’re married”.
Buddy, if our plans established a week or more in advance are constantly a lower priority to you than a random non-urgent errand your mom wants you to run after a year of dating, why would I marry you???”
4. Silent treatment and/or sulking
“Whhhyyy do they do it? My husband is a major sulker, currently it is a combo of me applying for a higher paying job than him+seeing friends too much+not having sex as much as he wants Guess what asshole. It won’t work this time. Am refusing to respond to the sulk, lmao to see how long he will keep it up”
5. Laziness
“My ex was lazy and never did anything to help out around the house. I worked full time while I was studying full time. I’d get home from work at 630pm and he’s have been home since 4pm. Instead of him having made dinner or was making dinner, he’d wait for me to roll in the door and then have the audacity to tell me to cook him dinner. And I’d do it. So I’d spend an hr cooking dinner, another 10-15 minutes cleaning and washing up cause he would never do that. Then have to get ready for work tomorrow, have a shower. Mind you I used to have to skip the gym cause I didn’t have the time to fit it all in. It’d be 830/9pm before I even sat down to study most nights. It was the same on the weekends. I’ll never bend over backwards for a man like that again unless it is reciprocated and I’m appreciated for the sacrifices I made. I sacrificed a lot for that POS.”
— beejeany
6. Constant criticism
“Not supporting things I enjoy. My ex would turn everything I enjoyed into a negative thing. Any accomplishment I was proud of would be belittled. I wore jeans and a tank top once and he criticized me saying it made me look lesbian.
“My husband, though, lets me be whatever version of myself I want to be. Now, I wear dresses and combat boots. I buy way more books than I have time or energy to read. I stopped wearing bras and shaving regularly because I don’t like those things. My self-esteem is way higher now because I’m not being told I’m wrong. I’m just constantly being told how much I’m loved.”
7. Psychotic control issues
“I dated someone for 8 years and he was so belittling to me, nothing I ever did was good enough. If I did the dishes, I didn’t do them properly and he would make me wash them again (stuff like that). If I put something on a table (like walk in put my keys, purse down) and he felt they didn’t belong there he would throw them on the floor as a way to ‘teach’ me to put them in their proper place. And on and on. I constantly walked on eggshells in the relationship wondering what I would do wrong next. Lost all my self esteem, and just became his doormat.
He used to joke to my parents that he was “re-raising” me…. I told him once that I have never felt worse about myself then when I saw myself through his eyes… His response, ‘Well no one likes to hear the truth.’
“I vowed that I would NEVER accept this treatment from anyone ever again. I learned to love myself again, became a stronger person, independent and one of the most satisfying feelings I ever had was after cleaning the bathroom once and he told me I didn’t do it properly, I told him ‘Fine, you don’t like it? Then clean it your damn self!’ and walked out. God, the look on his face was priceless and I felt powerful. I loved it!
“I would just like to clarify that the things I cleaned, i.e. dishes, bathroom, etc were absolutely done properly, and my ex would just like to find fault with everything. It was all about manipulation and control and in no way was anything done improperly.”
8. Avoidant attachment style
“Being distant. Sorry, I’m not settling for an ‘avoidant’ or distant guy who is too cool to care ever again. I have the cheesy guy who wants to be around me constantly, and I truly didn’t think he existed because of so many guys who wanted more space than I did!”
9. Jealousy issues
“Jealousy or any controlling traits, like wanting my phone pass code or telling me who I can or cannot spend time with.
“I do not want to spend my life trying to reassure a jealous person, there is never an end to it.”
10. Mommy issues
“His mother’s opinion being treated more important than mine.”
“Holy shit, been there! After 2 and a half years too! Just marry your momma, ffs.”
11. Sexual coercion
“Being used as a human fleshlight. Being guilted into sex that is awkward and often painful. Having to grit my teeth to get through sex. Sustaining injuries to my vagina because my past partners would just ram it in. Thinking not being in pain meant the sex was good.”
“Ugh same I thought sex was just supposed to hurt for a long time. I always said no and then we’d get into a huge fight so I’d just give up and do it anyways. And there was no foreplay or anything and he criticized the way I did everything.”
12. Yelling and verbal abuse
“Yelling during an argument”
“And swearing/ name calling!! He would call me horrible names and justify it by saying I had upset him so he’s allowed to react in whatever way 😑”
13. Anger management issues
“This! A million times this! Also related: throwing things around/punching walls. No, we are adults. We don’t raise our voices or destroy things like a child succumbing to a temper tantrum. Yuck.”
14. Smoking
“Honestly, I would never date a tobacco smoker again. Triggered my asthma and was on daily medicine for years after we broke up.”
15. Alcoholism
“…using alcohol as excuse for shitty behavior/actions and playing the victim card.”
— r3ntboi
“Alcoholism.”
16. “Negging,” or spiteful, mean-spirited “teasing”
“Belittling, mocking, teasing from a place of spite rather than sweet playfulness.”
“Insults thinly veiled as light-hearted ribbing. ‘Jokes’ about how one day I’ll wake up with blonde hair and fake boobs. Just constant digs (i.e. reminders) about how I’m not REALLY his type.”
17. Infidelity
“Cheating. I have tolerated it in relationships and stayed in that relationship for awhile hoping for change. It never came. Im mad at my younger self thinking I deserved it or I would lose a gem of a man if I didnt forget about it. Men who cheat aren’t gems-they are selfish and immature. I’m happily married now and hopefully dont have to worry about that ever again.”
18. Being unsupportive
“Not 100% supporting my career.”
19. Sexual inadequacy or incompatibility
“Not having my orgasms prioritized lol. I went from not expecting them to lying about them because I felt pressured to have them to asking to have them and finally doing things that make sex all the more worth having”
“Not… not giving me sexual/romantic attention. I tried to be patient due to mental health issues etc., but once months start to go by and it becomes a pattern, it’s not worth it. Rather just be single.”
20. Listening to long complaints about their exes and/or their romantic history
“Listening to them talk about their long history with their exes. I used to be sympathetic and try to listen and hoping that I will heal them and make them love me the way they loved them but now? I’m checking the time because they are wasting my time talking about some girl I don’t know. If they’re with me, then I don’t want to hear about how Erica broke your heart.”
If you feel like you got a little bit older and wiser just reading that list, you’re not alone. We hope no one ever puts up with any of that, ever again.
