When you first start a new relationship, things are usually hot and heavy and the sex is steady and frequent. After all, there’s nothing more thrilling than exploring sex with a new person you’re compatible with.
But after you’ve ever been in a serious relationship for a long period of time the sex usually starts to become less and less frequent. Maybe the novelty has worn off, or you’ve gotten into a routine. Maybe you get busy with work or kids. Maybe you’re simply no longer interested in sex at all. Whatever the reason, strong relationships can usually survive a dry spell and some of the strongest can survive no sex whatsoever.
Redditor u/South-Dragon recently asked:
“Couples in loving relationships who rarely have sex, how do you make it work?”
The answers were surprisingly mature, wholesome, and (dare I say) even uplifting.
1. Communication > sex
We both have low libido, for different reasons but it works out to make us compatible. We find more value in the amount of time we spend together versus what we’re specifically doing. We cuddle and watch a lot of TV together, and we have great independent lives separate from each other. I think you need enough of a life separate from your partner as you do with them, to still have things to talk about at the end of the day. Communication drying up is worse than the sex life being stale in my opinion. –ValuableLemon
2. Scheduling
Because of our schedules, it’s almost exactly like that scene in Dick and Jane.
“How’s your Wednesday looking next week? Got some time to take the bone train to pound town, sweetie?”
“I have a training call ending at 5pm. Is after dinner okay?” –Led_Halen
3. “In sickness and in health”
My wife has no sex drive due to her depression medication. We make it work because I love her and will support her as long as I draw breath. -GarethOfQuirm
4. A time for everything
We have 2 very young kids. Just trying to survive on 3 hours of sleep a night. Neither one is rested enough for sex at the moment. And that’s ok. –computer_helps_FI
5. Coping with past trauma
He’s recovering from being in a religious cult that hammered into his brain that sex was wrong/only to be used for conception. He was also molested by an elder in the cult. About once a month he makes sure I get some “fun time” and if he’s up for it he does too. He doesn’t care that I have toys. I love him too much to let that be the downfall of our relationship as there are basically no problems outside of this area. I absolutely believe that he is my soulmate and will wait as he works out his problems as it has been getting better. –njj258
6. Less doesn’t mean none
Been together for 8 years now and at some point it just dialed down lots, which is okay. We love each other, we spend every day together, we enjoy each others’ company and sex at some point just became less important than spending time together and cuddling in bed. We still have sex, we still fool around but it’s no longer the daily occurance/wants we had when we started dating. (we were basically FwB for years before we actually started dating so it’s technically way more than 8 years). We just work together with or without lots of sex! –OompaaaLoompaaa
7. Self help
Masturbation, lots and lots. –vettehp
8. His & Hers meds
We’re on the same antidepressants! –NicPizzaLatte
9. Love survives
Been married for 35+ years. Haven’t had sex in almost a decade. I like to joke that I’ve done without for so long that I’m a born-again virgin. The fact is that I got seriously ill, lost a ton of weight and endure a lot of pain. I want sex very much, but Husband is afraid he’s going to hurt me (which is possible, I’m pretty fragile, physically).
The thing is, I’ve spent the last three decades plus with Husband and our little family as the anchor of my life. He gives me hope, he gives me joy, he gives me strength. I have done my very best to give him the same things back, threefold. Sometimes I even succeed.
Just because I’m not also getting a good planking twice a week doesn’t mean I still don’t want to receive or give back all that joy, hope and strength. We do what we’ve always done, love each other as hard as we can, try to take care of one another, support each other. We just don’t get naked to do it. –AJClarkson
10. BFFs
We’re best friends with low sex drives who prefer to cuddle instead of getting all sweaty. –tubemode4
11. Solid relationships are about more
Turns out not all relationships are based on having sex.
Welcome to adulthood. –Michael_Oxlong
12. Taking shifts
I masturbate and she sleeps, when she’s in the mood she’ll take over. –HBAFilthyRhino
13. Communication is key
I had a high libido at the start of our relationship, but she didn’t, after a couple of months we had a serious respectful talk about it, the reason my GF (now wife) almost has no sex drive is because she got abused by her uncle for 3 years when she was younger. After learning about that fact, my sex drive changed, we are together for 8 yrs now and married for 5 and have 2 wonderful kids. When I am in the mood I always ask her if she is in the mood, wathever the answer is I respect both of them. There has been a year where we only had sex 4 times, and another year more etc, but it doesn’t bother me at all, I love her with or without the sex (: –MasturChieff
14. Intimacy doesn’t need sex
Married for 11 years, together for 16. Sex maybe once a month now. Many many reasons play into that such as trauma, depression, anxiety etc. But also contentedness. Our past physical passion is a monument to our love.
But you can have sex with anyone. If your relationship is all about sex, there’s nothing there. A physical trait that will fade and disappear before you’re dead. A fun thing you did when you were younger. Just one of many ways to show affection for each other.
It’s like basing your relationship on playing baseball together and then worrying that an injury will ruin your relationship because you can’t play baseball anymore. How silly would that be? To have a relationship based on the act of something rather than the meaning behind it? To act as if every time before meant nothing without continued reaffirmation through continued action?
If your desire to have sex is based on wanting to “get off” then you’re selfish and childish and it’s no wonder you don’t know what a relationship is outside of fucking.
You “deal with it” by building a relationship that fulfills you both in other ways. Like literally a world full of other ways to be something magnificent together for each other in ways that no one else can or will. –13lueChicken
15. Sometimes it goes the other way
This is going to sound weird! I’ve been with the same guy for 11 years, and when we were in our 20s we literally had no sex drive, we were lucky if we did it twice a month. We’re now in our 30s and our sex drive has greatly changed. It’s so much stronger and that’s so strange to us because you would think it would be the other way around. –Umeko91
16. Reaching another stage
35 years married and my wife has gone through menopause and a number of health problems so sex isn’t practical anymore. Once I got my man-boy head around it we have reached another stage of our relationship and it just gets better. Symbiosis here we come. –Oztravels
17. Sometimes there are literal boundaries
My GF and I don’t have sex to often but when we do it’s great, we’ve been together 6 years now. Unfortunately we don’t live with each other yet due to living in a super expensive state and it’s taken us time to find our path in life. Maybe when we live together things will change. –Electronic-Shift7886