Kate Hackett
Relationships are tough work. We all know that. Between compromise and sacrifice, you’re required to give up a bit in order to gain, hopefully, the reward of a loving and supportive partner. But that doesn’t always happen and we’re left with real relationship bummers.
So what do we do? Why, we ask the Internet for help, of course! Over on r/relationship_advice, people ask questions in droves. We’ve compiled some of the saddest questions people have asked the subreddit.
1. Wife made a new friend
I don’t really know where to begin. I’m at a point where I flip flop between feeling insane and totally justified. My wife has made a close opposite sex friend at work. She snapchats him constantly, FaceTimes him 3-5 times per week, goes out to coffee/lunch with him. He has made little to no effort to be friends with me. While he does go through the motions and invites me to some of their activities, it’s like I’m not even there. They have such specific banter that I don’t even feel like I could keep up with or participate in.. On the outside it appears the two of them have much more fun and in common than my wife and I. They have spent a lot of alone time together, which has at least been limited now that we decided solo movie nights are out of the question, but they still seem virtually inseparable.
A couple things that have put me over the edge…
My wife is laying in bed with me, and she randomly says “I miss Nate so much, I have withdrawals from all of our sh*t talking.”
A few days later he FaceTimes her to get a ride to a work related event. He doesn’t know I’m sitting right next to her and literally starts talking to her in a baby voice. The ONLY TIME I have ever talked to someone in that way was when I was in a relationship with them.
She also made the comment that he is one of the only things that make her life bearable.
I’m very uncomfortable with the entire dynamic. I continue to voice my discomfort, but I know the most that will happen is a few superficial boundaries like “no movie nights alone, but still hanging out alone in every other way.” When more serious measures have been discussed, she made it clear that she doesn’t think ending the friendship is fair. She “really doesn’t want to start resenting me.”
Hopefully just writing this out will be somewhat cathartic. I’m sure at some level I’m not being totally fair to my wife. This is just how I’m feeling.
2. She said it’s not really cheating?
So we (m20’s, f20’s) had a convo, and can’t really remember how it let to that sentence, but said that if she’d like to have sx with a female friend, she could as “that’s not really cheating, right?”.
Obviously, i’m super confused and said what if i’d s*x with a male friend and she Said she would be totally fine with that (i’m 100% hetero btw).
Soo, she asked me again if that wasn’t ok, and i said Well no i’m in a monogamous relationship because i expect none of us to have s*x with anyone else, period no matter what. That’s apparently super weird cause same sex is not cheating.
I’m weirded out, any advice? Don’t really know what to say about it to her, thought i’d made a point.
3. Love her too much
So my girl and I have been together for four years now. We’re both 23. We met in college. Lived together for the first three years and for her final year, she has to do her internship and so has moved to another location. We’re not too far away from each other. We’re still in the same region(state).
We’ve had a bit of rough times recently. She didn’t want be close to her and I didn’t understand why. Whenever I asked, she just said she didn’t know why. She just wanted to be alone. So I stopped going to see her for a whole month, thinking that would change things but it didn’t. We recently had another argument about the same issue and she finally tells me I love her too much that’s why. Now I’m confused. Is loving someone and doing everything to make them happy wrong?
4. Husband hates the groceries
My husband and I (SAHM) are in our late 30s and have been married for a long time. I do all of the grocery shopping and have for years. He also doesn’t cook. Every time I order groceries, I ask my husband what he wants and nearly every single time he tells me he doesn’t know or might tell me one thing. This has gone on for years, and he often gets mad at what I buy to the point of yelling at me, and says he is tired of getting groceries with nothing for him to eat. I honestly feel bad about this because he is legitimately frustrated. From his point of view, by now I should know what to buy him. However, the types of food I can buy are fairly limited since he won’t do any food prep. I know the answer from most people is going to be to let him fend for himself but I am looking for a solution that is more of a compromise.
The big issue I am having from an emotional aspect is he doesn’t understand mental load from me doing 100% of all housework, nearly all childcare, along with everything else that pops up like taxes, car stuff, scheduling appointments, etc. Having to always know exactly what he wants when he doesn’t even know just adds to that mental load. Buying groceries is causing me stress at this point and every time I buy them I anticipate him getting mad at me and it’s this awful feeling. And trust me, if I were to tell him about mental load he wouldn’t take me seriously because he thinks his job is harder, and he would blame my sense of stress with grocery shopping on me.
Summary: husband doesn’t like the groceries I buy but won’t tell me what he wants, looking for help with a compromise
5. It wasn’t my fault!
Last night upon my (36M) girlfriends (32F) request I set our smart thermostat to 15 degrees. In the early hours of this morning she woke up too hot and checked and the temp had not gone down. When I woke up I could tell she was annoyed at me. I asked why and she accused me of not turning it down when she asked and that this was the third thing that I had not done. I explained that I was certain that I had and that I guessed it was some kind of malfunction. She was really annoyed and I asked why becuase it didn’t seem like such a big deal and she said becuase she had now overslept because she hadn’t slept earlier. She also said that it was wrong of me to challenge her being so annoyed.
I have remained insistant that I am not responsible for the temp not going down. I have even been on support with the manufacturer and they confirmed a fault. But she just screamed at me that I wasn’t listening to her. I cannot take responsibility for this and now she isn’t talking to me. I don’t know what to do.
6. Overheard my partner venting
First off I wasn’t eavesdropping, we have a small townhouse and he was in his home office on Discord with the door wide open. I was in the bedroom with the door wide open, on the same floor only a few feet away and he was speaking at full volume. We had gotten into an argument earlier because he changes his mind a lot when going to events that makes it hard for me to plan. He will agree to something then when the time comes tell me he doesn’t want to go and also never wanted to go in the first place. I was trying to tell him that I think it’s a bad habit and he should just be upfront with people about how he’s feeling. I didn’t communicate this well and he felt like I was berating him for being flakey. We talked it out, we both apologized and moved on with the day.
Later, I’m cleaning the house and about to go make dinner when I hear him very emotionally recounting beat for beat everything I said during that argument. Telling his friend I was berating him for being flakey and how weird it was and how I’m “the one person whose always supposed to be there for him.” I texted and told him I could hear him, expecting him to be embarrassed and close the door. He didn’t. He continued to rant about how there’s “no privacy in the house.” Which, I think a good step one for privacy is maybe closing the nearest door.
I’ve felt like his friends opinion of me has shifted over the past 6months or so. I thought I was crazy but maybe this is why. We’ve both been trying our best but are very emotional people who are easily upset. I think of our relationship as non-toxic and we’re pretty good at problem solving. I feel like my trust was pretty heavily broken but I can’t convince him that what he did was wrong. What should I say? Do I feel justified in feeling violated?
7. New Father Taking Forever To Get Ready
My husband and I recently become parents to a wonderful baby girl. We met during university and have a very strong and healthy relationship.
We both go to the toilet, brush our teeth and shower in the mornings. Our baby girl is a handful and someone needs to watch her otherwise she will cry. She can’t be left alone for more than 5-10 minutes.
The problem is my husband takes 1.5 hours in the bathroom every morning, and while this used to be fine (as I would use the time to clean up the house and do other chores) it’s now driving me insane. I am growing more and more resentful that I have to rush in 30 minutes and he takes an hour longer than that.
What’s worse is most of this time is spent trying to, as he puts it, clear his bowels. He needs at least an hour or it isn’t cleared and he’ll need to go again later in the day. Sometimes when I take a little longer, he will have to skip his shower. Sometimes he will go days without showering which is gross because he starts smelling!
I’ve tried asking him to bring this up with the doctor but he hasn’t taken action and it’s been a few months now. This isn’t normal and I’m getting angrier each day during bathroom time. I’m sleep deprived and tired, I just want him to be around to help in the mornings and to have my own time too, instead of prioritising so much time for him. What can I do?
Tl;dr Husband takes 1.5 hours while I take 30 minutes to go to the bathroom and the disparity is driving me insane. Help.
8. Sleep disorder
I’ve always had this weird sleep disorder that makes me talk a lot in my sleep. sleep talking is relatively common and its not a huge issue. the problem is if someone asks me a simple yes/no question while I’m sleep talking, I will give them a completely honest answer, and wake up with a vague recollection of it the next morning (longer answers turn into gibberish or make me wake up) I’ve seen doctors about it and they were totally confused and told me they couldn’t help me. this has always caused problems for me with relatives, sisters, parents etc taking advantage of it.
well my GF recently moved in with me and took advantage of it. she barraged with all sorts of questions… asked me if I have STDs, if I smoke, if I do drugs, if I’ve ever gotten someone pregnant and made them get an abortion, if I’m seeing someone else, if I’ve ever paid for s*x (lol) looks like I gave her all the right answers because she’s still with me. she doesn’t seem to realize I remember what happened. I think this is a huge breach of trust but breaking up over a sleep disorder sounds stupid, not to mention she could just deny everything. Btw she has already asked me some of those questions before, I guess she wanted to make sure I wasn’t lying. what would you do?
yes I’m aware this sounds ridiculous
9. BF’s Mom and His Ex
Hi all! Me (20F) and my bf (21M) have been together for about 7 months, and he hasn’t been with his ex for over a year. His mom planned a family vacation to go visit a family member out of state, which he was invited to but couldn’t attend due to work conflicts.
About a week ago, he found out that his mom is taking his ex (19F) on vacation with them! She has done this before because the ex is supposedly very good with my bf’s little sister (6F), so she would be there primarily for babysitting purposes if the adults want to go out at night. My boyfriend has already told his mom how uncomfortable this makes him feel, and yet she is still doing it again.
I feel extremely disrespected and uncomfortable with the situation because his mom has always loved his ex and has never given two sh*ts about getting to know me. Although he at first was furious about it, after taking to his mom he came to terms with the situation and is not doing anything else to prevent it. I don’t know what to do in this situation. It feels like my bfs mom is trying to maintain a relationship with the ex so she can get them back together. Not to mention, his little sister doesn’t even know/ understand that him and the ex are not together anymore. Should I try to have a discussion with the mom or is it not my place? Should I encourage my boyfriend to have another talk with her? Any opinions welcome!
10. Lent
I am half seeking advice and half just venting about a situation I can’t really be upset about.
Just to be clear – I do not want to try to change her mind or criticize her choice. I do my best to respect and support her decisions, even if it may not be something I agree with or would prefer to handle it differently (it’s not like I know everything, that’s for sure).
A couple weeks ago my wife told me she is giving up “being lazy” for Lent. I figured this meant less time binge-watching TV and less sleeping in, stuff like that. But last night I found out it was more intense than I was expecting.
I had a long and pretty difficult day. I finally got around to eating dinner going on 9 p.m. I asked her if she wanted to sit and chat or just watch some TV while I had dinner bc I was looking forward to spending time together. She told me she couldn’t bc she has to be doing something, so instead she went to do laundry and clean the bathroom.
I respect her for her sacrifice so seriously and not cutting corners. However, I’m pretty sad today bc it seems like it’s going to be greatly cutting into our free time. We’ll still be going out and doing things and spending time together at home, but she will be busy working on something, or at least multitasking whenever we’re at home. I know I’m being selfish, but I really love the time when we’re home together without any distractions. We can sit and talk for hours without realizing it, or just veg out and cuddle on the couch to watch something when we need to decompress. And while this isn’t intentional, it feels like she considers spending time with me as “doing nothing” or “being lazy.”
This will last until Easter, but a week after that her dad is having surgery so we’ll have a few weeks of not seeing each other much, and when we do, we’ll mostly be helping her father and maintaining his household. So basically there won’t be much quality time for the next three months.
If you have any words of wisdom I would appreciate it. If you think I’m being selfish and need to suck it up, go ahead and tell me. Thanks for letting me vent either way 🙂
EDIT: I should have mentioned this but we already have very little free time together. About 30 minutes during the week and usually a date night or watching a movie at some point during the weekend. I don’t want her to alter her sacrifice, I’m just bummed about not being able to look forward to those times together for the next few months.
11. Not a Hickey
I travel for work usually a week at a time. Upon returning from a recent trip, my wife noticed a mark on my neck that I didn’t see till she pointed it out. Now I have had hickeys before and know what they look like. Strangely enough, this mark looked exactly like a minor hickey. I have no idea why/how it got there.
Understandably, my wife is immediately pissed and I do not blame her. I would have the same reaction. of course I protested saying it is impossible for it to be a hickey as I have been completely faithful throughout our relationship and marriage. And she doesn’t believe me (and again, I don’t blame her because it’s the same thing a guilty person would say).
We have always had a good trusting relationship and are able to talk to each other about anything. But this hickey looking mark is undeniable proof of cheating (in her eyes). Naturally I have evidence or way of proving otherwise.
It is frustrating from my side because I understand what she is going through.. But knowing the truth and not being able to prove it is killing me. This happened a week ago and things have calmed down, but I can’t let this hang over our heads.
Reddit I am desperate. I can keep saying the same thing over and over. Do nice things for her. But I’ll never be able to prove this.
What would you do?
12. Lost Love
We share an almost 9mo. Today he came to see our son and seeing him with our baby made me realize I still very much love him.
He had an alcohol addiction and we fought one night. He left and I’ve been slightly bitter since. A few weeks later he went to rehab. He was only recently allowed to leave the program to see baby (4 months later) and today was the first visit.
I didn’t have a drinking problem but I also decided to quit completely because now I was the sole caregiver for my baby. It changed my life, honestly. I feel healthy and so much happier.
The thing is, today, seeing him sober, healthy, and happy made me realize I love him and he was the man I fell for again. I said some mean things to him when he left and he told me he forgave me (on the phone a few months back). So I feel like he doesn’t see me the way I see him. I want to be with him, even if it’s long distance for a bit.
Basically, I’m hoping there’s a way to talk to him, be honest, and prepare for the possible rejection. All advice is welcome and I’ll answer any questions about context in the comments if needed.
13. Not Eye to Eye
When I think of a longterm relationship, I think of eventual cohabitation, sharing bills and household chores etc.
My current SO lives about an hour away, so we only see each other on the weekends 1-2 days, and it will likely be a year or more before we could or would live together.
I wonder if this is sustainable, or if we’re wasting our time.
14. Poop anxiety
Yes, you read that correctly. My boyfriend is an amazing guy that I’ve been seeing for over a year and I’m really excited that he invited me to move in with him when my current lease is up at the end of April. The only problem is that I’m afraid he’s going to regret his decision once he realizes that the lovely young woman he’s welcomed into his one-bathroom condo takes poops that could put a truck driver to shame.
Really, I wish I was joking. But I’m not. My poops are much more fragrant than the average person’s. I’ve seen doctors and (fortunately) there’s no medical issue that I can blame it on. It just seems that the combination my diet (heavy in cruciferous veggies, spices, and cheese), my healthy appetite (I’m only 5’3” but I can outeat my BF and most guys I know), and the fact that I rarely go more than once every other day (no matter how much fiber I try to consume), makes for some truly grotesque number twos. You do NOT want to go in there for a solid thirty minutes after I’ve been pooping, and no amount of Febreeze is going to save you. Even courtesy flushes are mostly ineffective.
Until now I’ve successfully avoided introducing this delightful ability of mine to my current boyfriend (or past boyfriends). It was just a matter of holding it in for a few hours or making an excuse to run down to the hotel lobby or out to Starbucks. But I know I’m not going to be able to do that every time (and besides, even if I tried, the local Starbucks would probably blacklist me once the employees realized the same lady was defiling their bathroom every other day). My current roommate is my BFF since college so she’s used to my horrific bathroom smells. I’ll let her know when I’m about to drop bombs so she can use the bathroom first and she knows well to stay away afterward. That system works well for us but I’m not sure how to broach the concept with my boyfriend who surely has no idea that his girlfriend is capable of olfactory war crimes.
So, help me out here, redditors. If you’re a toxic pooper or in a relationship with one, how did things work out when you started sharing a bathroom? Do I try to discuss this with him ahead of time so he knows what he’s getting into? Or just let him experience the shock and awe the first time he enters after me and take it from there?
15. Actor Drama
I want to start off this by saying that I am a professional actor, my boyfriend is an actor as well and we are both studying acting at university. I am very much aware of the nature of how these films/plays/anything is filmed as I have done them previously.
So my boyfriend has been cast in a student film. The film has only two actors in it, and he was pretty much guaranteed in the role from the start. I am happy that he has got to showcase his acting talent and have no grudges towards him or the filmmakers. He read with a girl who we’ll call Amy, and this instantly made me uncomfortable as Amy, despite having a boyfriend herself, consistently flirts with other men at other social events, including making what (I thought was) a slight pass at my boyfriend. Amy’s boyfriend is aware of this. God knows why he hasn’t broken up with her.
I am greatly uncomfortable that he has been cast along side her, bearing in mind her history and the fact that my boyfriend (as an awkward nerdy type) has no idea when women are flirting with him.
I am looking for advice as to what I should do next (he knows that I heavily dislike Amy). Thank you all!
