When you’re planning to marry someone, It’s a pretty good idea to make sure you’re on the same page regarding work and family life. Is someone going to be the main “breadwinner” while the other stays home? Are both parties planning on working? Is the situation acceptable for both partners?
One Redditor found himself in a conundrum after his fiancée revealed that she no longer wants to work but once they marry, she wants to be a stay-at-home wife in order to “fulfill her dreams.”
Let’s just say the OP is not happy about this change in plans.
“I’m (42m) am engaged to who I feel is ‘the one’ (33f) – we had been dating for just over 3 years and I proposed last month. Last night – after another session of wedding planning, my fiancee asked if I would be alright with her being a stay-at-home wife. At first, I laughed because I thought she was joking, but she was being very serious. She told me not to laugh and said she wants to be a stay-at-home wife. I asked her why as we both make pretty good money at our jobs, and we can’t afford our current lifestyle with just one income. She says it’s because I make a lot more (which is true, I make about 40% more) than her and we could scale back our lifestyle — and said ‘it’s been on my mind a lot — I think working 9-5 just isn’t for me’ I asked her if she was being serious, and she confirmed that she is.”
The OP said that he was not comfortable with that idea. He said he could see her being a stay-at-home mom if they had kids, and she called him manipulative. They ended up having an argument, with the OP’s fiancee saying that he should ‘support her dreams.’ The OP clarified that she never said what those dreams were.
“In the heat of the moment I said, ‘where is this coming from, why is it your dream to be a stay-at-home wife? is it your dream to be lazy?’ She got really upset at that, and had gone to her mothers and said ‘we’ll talk more when you calm down.’ I’ll be real here, I don’t want her to be a stay at home wife, I’m not okay with being the sole breadwinner, and I do not wish to support this ‘dream’ — I want a partner in life, not a dependent doing nothing productive with their days.”
What should the OP do?
“NTA. So she waits until you propose and she thinks she has you wrapped around her finger to tell you her ‘dream’ of being lazy and then has the nerve to say that you’re the manipulative one? Jesus,” said Claw_-.
“I agree with everything you said here with one caveat: being stay at home does not automatically make you lazy, even if you don’t have children. I am a stay at home spouse (with plans to become a stay at home parent in a year or two or so) and it was absolutely a joint decision and my spouse actually was the first one to bring it up. This doesn’t mean I don’t work, I just don’t work for an income. I work ‘9-5’ same as my husband but I just work for our family. This works out very well for our family and we are both very happy with the decision as it benefits us both greatly. That being said, OP is not on board with the idea and it is not fair of his fiancee to continue to push him to be a sole provider when he doesn’t want to be. They need to have a partnership and make decisions together,” explained codyisthebestboi.
“Lol, ‘support her dreams’. If my husband had a dream to go back to college I would support that. If he had a dream to start his own business in an area he was passionate about I would support that. If he had a dream to sit on his arse and play video games – be a ‘stay at home husband’ – he would soon be supporting my dream to be divorced. It sounds like you and your fiancée have very different values in life. NTA,” said skuldintape_eire.
“Not everyone feels this way. I’m female and my partner is male and he stays home while I work. We both prefer this arrangement as he takes care of 95% of the chores, home improvement, etc. I love coming home from work and being able to relax instead of us both working and then having chores to do after work or on weekends. If both people agree to the arrangement I don’t see what the problem is,” said Hail-Eris.
“I do think she is a major a**hole for revealing this major lifestyle shift request 1 month before the wedding. You have been with your partner for 3 years, presented yourself as an ambitious woman who wants to seek higher paying positions in your company, and right after you get the ring you reveal this? I don’t think so,” said redditsnightmarexo.