Patricia Grisafi
11. Ho boy.
I bake wedding cakes for a living. I own my own bakery but have also worked in a country club kitchen, doing basically the same thing + other pastry chef duties day of weddings. I’ve seen them both for the tasting/design consultation, and on their wedding day. I see how they interact when they’re just together, but also when under the stress of the big day. I’ve seen everything. Lots of cheating, lots of drunks, lots of terrible mothers.
Once had a Mama’s boy who ignored his wife when they were supposed to be having their cake tasting to cuddle their mother and hand feed her cake. His mother was NOT supposed to be there, and you could tell the bride was pissed. By the end of it, he had kissed his mother on the lips multiple times. Divorce.
Have seen a woman bitch and complain about everything her fiancé said. Any suggestions he had for what he liked resulted in him being called stupid. Anytime she’d open her mouth he’d cower and flinch. Their cake actually got canceled like a month before the wedding, so we didn’t get anything but the deposit even though we’d started baking it. First time I’ve lost out on money and I’ve been relieved.
Once had this arrogant dickhead Turkish guy marrying into this Bangladeshi family. The bride was sweet, about 10 years older than him, and came from a fairly well-off family. Generally got the impression that this being a Turk/South Asian marriage was kind of a big deal, even though they’re both Muslim, but since she was 30-something they wanted her to get married so they allowed it.
Guy complains about everything during the planning process, especially over them not serving alcohol. Is generally a dick to us, but is just straight-up cruel to her. Like at one point when we were meeting I asked after her wedding dress because south Asian wedding dresses are gorgeous. She’s showing me this amazing dress and he says straight up ‘I don’t know what she picked that one, she looks fat and old in it. every other woman is going to be more beautiful than her one her wedding day.’ He then shows me this dress he picked out, which isn’t traditional south Asian style at all, and is very western and very fugly and basically makes the model in the picture look naked it’s so sheer. When she says something about how no mosque would let her in dressed like that and her traditions are important, he just sneered and said she should get over it’ and her traditions weren’t that important. Divorce red flag.
Found out later they didn’t last a day. From the way the servers tell it, midway through the reception, the guy raises his hand to his new bride when she asked him a question about being drunk and she flinched and turned away, protecting her face. He grabs her by the arm and rips her around, pissed. Her mother and aunt were standing three feet from her and lost their fucking minds, realizing what must’ve been happening there. His response when Mom started to lose her shit on him was to hit the mother. So in the middle of this very big, 600+ person Bangladeshi wedding, this 20-something outsider dickhead no one wanted her to marry anyway smacked a well-respected woman in their community. There was a brawl, the cops were called, marriage was annulled.
Edit: because so many of you are asking: baking a cake in the weeks leading up to the event is standard. You bake the sponge triple wrap and flash freeze. Frozen cakes are actually much, much less likely to taste dry or gross, because if you fresh bake they’ll be sitting out for days on end until they can be decorated, and absorb whatever smells are in the refrigerator and dry out. Typically we also will cover them in simple syrup after thawing but before assembly, which is why bakery cakes are so much moister than a lot of homemade ones. I’ve been working as a baker since I was 15, and this is very much the practice of every place I’ve ever worked when it comes to celebration cakes.
12. Anyone seen the groom?
“Catered weddings for a year or so, here are some of the more bat shit ones off the top of my head: Entire wedding party dropped molly about an hour into the wedding, the bride was colossally fucked up while the groom looked like he shit himself while staring at the alpacas they hired to take pictures with. (Yes they hired alpacas, no I don’t know why.) Bridezilla screamed at our serving team for serving too much chicken and not leaving enough for her after she refused to eat until 3 hours past dinner service. Groom was nowhere to be found after that. The bride’s mom tried to fuck one of our chefs, a very good-looking 6’3 Italian man. The bride had to pull her away from the kitchen two times, causing a fun argument between the bride’s mom and dad. The bride started crying and the groom decided to disappear to go take a few shots instead of comforting his wife.”
13. Just relax up there.
“I perform ceremonies as an officiant and know other officiants. The worst (IMHO) are the weddings that are just a bad idea. The couple is young, inexperienced, and selfish. I mean, even courthouse weddings can last decades, but if you have a wedding that is clearly not planned out, they are often not thought out as well. Weddings that are rebellious as a ‘f**k you daddy, I am 19 and marry who I want!’ I give about 2 years, especially if the bride and groom are out of sync with one another, or one just looks like this was the other’s idea primarily.’ Oddly enough, weddings with cheesy themes (Star Wars, Elvis, etc) last longer than the traditional styles. I have theories on that but don’t have enough data that’s not anecdotal to back it up. But I think casual weddings where everyone is relaxed, happy, and having a good time because the wedding is about celebrating rather than ceremony will last the longest. A sense of humor helps. If both the bride and groom are relaxed and silly with one another, those last the longest.”
14. You should wait until year two before you start swinging.
“I work for a catering company…knew they were going to get a divorce as soon as the bride started grinding on the best man as the groom was puking his guts out in the corner.”
15. Has anyone seen my ring? You know, from the wedding?
“Worked wedding receptions, here are some favorites: Bride started stripping on the table while the groom was outside. The bride and best man had sex in a closet. The bride lost her ring less than 3 hours after being married. The mother of the groom lit the table on fire because she didn’t like the bride or her family. Groom was passed out drunk less than 30 mins into the reception. He pregamed in the limo. Our bartender refused to serve him when he arrived. Groomsmen loaded him back into the limo to sleep it off and he didn’t come back that night.”
Featured image: Pexels
