Kate Hackett
Getting married is supposed to be one of the most exciting things a person can do. You found your partner, you’ve both chosen to spend your lives together, it’s a thrilling realization when you both know this is what you want.
And yet.
For women, it’s not all roses.
Redditor u/Zealousideal-Tale488 asked the AskWomen community over the weekend, “What are some brutal marriage truths that are not commonly mentioned?” and the Reddit community answered in droves. Not all of these are very happy messages — so hang tight.
1. Illness
Wives are more likely to get left by their husbands when diagnosed with terminal or seriously life altering illness. Self reported reasons include “I don’t want to take care of her for the rest of my life”, “I have needs she wont be able to meet while sick”, and “I don’t want to go broke paying for all her medical bills.”
2. Pregnancy
Pregnancy and childbirth are horrendous on a woman’s body and are often used by abusers as a control tactic to make harder for her to leave. Honestly girls, if he’s pushing you to get a bun in the oven earlier than you would like to, think about what other controlling behaviour you might be brushing off or excusing.
3. Roommates
That it’s extremely easy to fall into a routine of being more like roommates. And it happens without you really even noticing; then it’s too late.
4. Effort
No matter how evolved your man is, it’s rarely ever going to be a 50/50 split of effort in the marriage. More often than not, the woman puts in more work
5. Love
Love is absolutely conditional
6. It adds up
That all the little red flags and small mistakes over the years really do add up and make a diffrence in the long term.
7. Kids?
Once you get married, people just want to know when you are gonna have kids. They will ask from the day you get married.
8. A limit
You’ll never love everything about your partner. There will be things that annoy you and vice versa.
9. Waiting
Waiting for marriage to have sex is a valid choice. And there are (or can be) good reasons to wait. But what’s often promised is a happy and lasting marriage, and/or an amazing sex life if you wait (and misery and divorce if you don’t). Neither marriage nor human sexuality work that way. A happy marriage and a great sex life take work from both parties involved to cultivate, and they’re not some divine or karmic reward for playing by the rules.
10. Management?
Think about the worst things that can befall a married couple/family: infidelity, death of a child, severe illness, disability, job loss, bankruptcy, etc. More than one of these will happen over the course of your marriage. Do you see your partner managing them, what about you?
11. Two
You can throw 100% of yourself into trying to make your marriage work, but if your partner doesn’t contribute or contribute ENOUGH, your marriage can still fail. Your very best isn’t enough to ensure a long and happy relationship—it takes two.
12. The paycheck
Married women get paid less.
13. Ups n Downs
Marriages have peaks and valleys. You’ll go through phases where you can’t stand each other.
14. Not a fail
Ending a marriage in divorce does not mean the marriage is a failure.
15. Poverty
Poverty comes in the door, Loves goes out the window.
16. Normalcy
You will not like your spouse every single day. There may be days where you actively dislike your spouse. And that’s normal.
17. After a death
According to a study, 25 months after a spouse’s death 61% of men and 19% of women were either remarried or involved in a new romance. Women expressed more negative feelings about forming new romantic relationships.
18. Goals
If you’re not on the same page in terms of financial behaviors (not beliefs, behaviors) it will be extra hard if not impossible to achieve your goals
19. Learning
As people age they change. So do their values, desires and needs over time. People mature and get to know themselves. What they need and now what they need 10 years down the line might be different. You have to KEEP getting to know and KEEP learning about your spouse over time.
20. So awful.
That unless you are accounting for it with a chart or something, you haven been prepped from birth to take care more of his EVERY need -physical, sexual, emotional- than he ever has yours. If you get married before you’re a feminist, know that you WILL be doing more housework, emotional labor, child rearing, and every other task under the sun than he will.
