Kate Hackett
Sexual intimacy is very often a key piece of a romantic relationship and when one partner decides to give it up, it can really change the relationship. It’s not an easy decision by any means and can happen for a myriad of reasons, which is what we’re going to explore today.
u/Gilded_Violet recently asked the AskWomen community on Reddit, “Women who stopped having sex with your partner during the relationship, what was your reasoning? There’s no judgment in this question. I’m also a woman, who would like to understand other women’s experiences.”
1. Always sex
He stopped engaging in any kind of non-sexual physical intimacy. Wanna cuddle on the couch? Time to get groped. Need a hug after a long day? I must be looking for a good fuck. It was a big turn off.
2. We were done
I didn’t stop intentionally and at the time I had no idea why I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore.
In hindsight it was because our relationship was deteriorating and I am wired in a way to be incapable of wanting someone sexually unless I have a close, healthy emotional bond with them. I had way too much resentment and a parent/child dynamic for me to want him… I just didn’t realize that was the reason at the time.
3. All about him
I got tired of feeling like a sex doll. Sex was always all about him and I didn’t even feel like a person when he had sex with me, just a thing that existed so he could get off.
4. Many reasons
Have been in a sexless marriage for 17 years ( !!! ) Reasons changed over time . Started with my husband rejecting my initiating for years . He says it was work stress related and then morphed into performance anxiety ( ED ) – none of which he shared at the time with me despite my begging to understand what was going on for him . After many years of that and him being intense and distant and crabby and difficult to deal with in day to day life and my getting rejected I lost interest in trying to connect on any level .
Then lost my attraction to him over time because we weren’t connecting intimately ( both sexually and relationally ) and basically became caring , room mates that ran our lives and home well together and enjoyed a lot the same activities – hiking , camping , gardening and caring for our home . Eventually we never talked about not being sexual only because I gave up asking and inquiring and trying and he never said anything or made advances either . Talking about any issues is and has always been completely up to me – he won’t voluntarily address anything on his own and then if I do try to talk about something and ask for his thoughts and feelings it’s like excavating to get him to open up. He just shuts down and gets flustered or goes into the self blame , I’m ( meaning him ) such a failure as a husband mode.
My approaches to talk were gentle and genuine and non threatening- just open hearted . So now the thought of anything sexually intimate with him makes me cringe because I’m my mind and heart I have friend zoned him for lack of a better description. Been to marriage counseling 3 xs and currently in marriage and sex therapy . I decided I’m tired of trying and told him that I want to divorce last week . Life is too short and I need / want a more fulfilling relationship . He’s devastated and it’s heartbreaking because I do care for and love him despite where we are / have been in our relationship. Side note: We are both attractive fit people that take good care of ourselves so there aren’t any physical limitations or obstacles for us in terms of being sexual or having any reason to have things be the way they have been. That’s my story … and reason .
5. He’s a damn kid
He made me carry all the mental load of the household and basically became another child I had to worry about and manage.
6. SO well said
Like others have said, lack of innocent intimacy. Don’t come and start loving on me only when you want to have sex. I’m more deserving than of just that.
7. Too much porn
He was watching so much porn that he didn’t want to have sex with me.
8. I came last
He put everything else before me: his job, his golf buddies, his preferences of how to spend his time on weekends. I purposely cut him off from sex and let him know that if I’m not a priority to him, then sex with him isn’t a priority to me. He found sex elsewhere. After 2 years I announced I was moving out. He was completely shocked and devastated. I was shocked that he was so shocked! He said he’d support anything I wanted / needed and hoped I would eventually move back. We’ve been divorced for several years.
9. Every reason
God all of the reasons combined. He thought he was owed sex. He wanted to do positions I didn’t like and would obsess over them. His breath reeks 24/7 and his body does sometimes too. He is a fucking asshole to me when we aren’t having sex but when we do all he does is sing my praises. I know he has cheated on me and I don’t trust him and don’t want to catch anything. Etc. We are getting a divorce
10. Yikes
He was only nice to me when he wanted sex. Controlling, condescending, critical most of the time.
11. Stress
Kids. Absolute exhaustion, undiagnosed PPD, carrying the full mental and physical load of home life.
Stress: work, financial, relationships, kids.
Shit body confidence because of kids, no time to go to the gym and too stressed plus PPD and no money for ‘luxuries’.
Resentment causing low libido for my husband. Which the lower my libido got, the less sex we had, the less he ‘helped me’ out at home with the kids etc which in turn made my libido even lower. The epic hamster wheel of no sex.
This went on for about 6 years…eventually life got easier and I worked to get my libido back and we’re in an awesome spot right now – relationship and sex wise.
12. Confidence
My libido is inextricably linked to my self confidence. Being filled with dread at the thought of taking my clothes off isn’t exactly a turn on.
13. Birth control
Hormonal birth control killed my libido and I was just flat-out uninterested in sex.
14. Broken boundaries
One night he was drunk and kept pushing for sex when I was saying no, I finally said ok but that we had to use a condom since I wasn’t on birth control at the time but also on my period, but he kept pushing and pushing until it happened, and the thing I remember most was having to clean up the bloody sheets while he just sat there on his phone afterwards.
Basically, broken boundaries gave me the irreversible ick.
15. Took too long
I didn’t love him anymore and it took me three years to actually admit it to myself
16. No gives
He only wanted to receive he never wanted to give. Constant blow jobs are exhausting if there’s never anything in return for you
17. No reason
No reasoning. After our second kid was born we divided to conquer and living in a plethora of rentals with weird floorplans/not enough rooms means we don’t share a room. So in 10months we only did it once. He has a low libido though, thank fuck. We’re sharing a room again in a month and i almost feel nervous, like a virgin anticipating her wedding night.
18. Jokes
I wanted to try lingerie for our anniversary two weeks ago. He has this thing where he jokes around even during our most intimate moments.
He joked that I looked like a prostitute but he was very turned on.
When I told him my boundaries with sex and jokes we broke up the next day. This happened last week.
19. Things are bad
Things between us were not going well, and I can’t give my body to someone if things are not good between us.
20. Lexapro
Lexapro was the reason. We went from having sex every time we saw each other to maybe 2-3 times in almost a year. The few times we had sex was not that good. We didn’t realize it was the medicine until about 8-9ish months in and it ended up causing a lot of fights. I changed to wellbutrin and I was fixed lol
