Kate Hackett
Marital bliss comes after, you know, the wedding. And while I’ve gone off on the wedding industry in previous posts, if a couple decides to host a wedding, you should be able to expect a certain minimum of decorum.
Not at these weddings.
u/WhiteSuburbanKid5 asked Reddit:
“What’s the trashiest wedding you’ve been to?”
And the question quickly went viral. We scooped up the best 20 answers for your perusal. CRINGE-FEST.
1. You knew we’d start at Waffle House
My aunt married her third husband in Waffle House in Atlanta Georgia. They chose the booth where Kid Rock was once arrested.
2. Lime
Worked at a very high-end golf club in Seattle that regularly hosted expensive weddings. This Samoan wedding is probably my favorite:
-All the groomsmen were wearing lime green vests with matching lime green snapbacks
-The wedding party must order food from the restaurant at the golf club, as stated in the contract. They order Dominoes instead and the pizza guy literally brings these people pizza as they sit in a fancy restaurant.
-The bride and
broomgroom got into a fistfight right before the ceremony, delaying it a bit until bruises could be covered with makeup-They hired a live band to play at the reception, but didn’t feed them. During their first break, the lead singer decides to zoom down the hill to grab some McDonalds for the crew. He is pulled over and arrested for drunk driving. His one call from jail: “I can’t play at your wedding anymore, I’m in jail.”
3. Critter
Easily my cousins, it was held in their side yard. Styrofoam stuff for the aisle, she was about half an hour late coming out of the house because they had to deal with some critter, and we had to bring our own lawn chairs to sit in. Ceremony lasted all of 4 minutes and we went home.
4. Oh no
The best man screwed the groom’s mother between the meal and the dancing. The groom finds out and punches the best man, breaking his hand. The best man drives away and gets stopped by the police for drunk driving.
5. Tiers of guests
Rich french people where we didn’t know anyone and despite costing major coin, there were two tiers of invitees. Those that got orange juice peanuts for snack food and those that got the real shit, like champagne and finger sandwiches. The cocktail party was literally on two sides of a courtyard and people who didn’t get the champagne had to stay to one side.
6. Dominoes
My cousin who, let’s say, isn’t playing with a full deck and thought that she had hired a caterer because she sat at a bar one night and said to this lady “you should do the food for my wedding”. Waited until about an hour after the food should have logically arrived before starting to make some phone calls, only to find out that the “caterer” was on vacation in Costa Rica and had no idea that the bride thought she was doing food for the wedding. Dominoes to the rescue about 2 hours later. But the reception being at a bowling ally with a keg in the middle of the dance floor was completely planned.
7. Mini toilets
The Groom is a plumber. The flowers the men wore on their lapels were mini toilets with flowers in them. The centerpieces were plungers. No, I’m not making this up.
8. Tim.
A friend of mine hired me to play music with him at a ceremony, but as is customary in those situations I didn’t know who was getting married until they showed up. Here’s the backstory.
My wife was working for a corporation and one of her team members was a guy who was happily married to his high school sweetheart and had two young daughters. Another of their coworkers was his best friend, who was single. Let’s call the married guy Phil, his wife Kim, and his BFF Tim. Tim was a short, mousey kind of guy who had trouble getting dates, so Phil and Kim used to bring him along is situations where he’d normally be a third wheel – going sailing, going out to eat at nice restaurants, and so on. Phil didn’t mind ’cause Tim was such a good friend and he felt bad that he was lonely.
So one time Phil is going out of town and he suggests that Kim and Tim keep each other company while he’s gone. Well, that’s exactly what they did, and when Phil got back his high school sweetheart announced that she and Tim were now an item and he was no longer in the picture.
So imagine my surprise when the wedding couple shows up and Tim comes up to say hello to me. The cringiest part of the whole thing was Tim bringing Phil’s daughters up during the wedding vows and talking about how he loved them like his own and how he was going to take care of them, etc. Those poor little girls looked like they wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
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9. Well… what did you think…
Some hippie friends of my parents got married when I was about 14, and it was a location wedding at some earthy little mountain getaway in Tennessee. Only it was outside and in mid August, and in Tennessee that’s like…90 degree, full humidity weather. But that’s okay. Since it was so hot they decided to do it barefoot in a creek. Well they had a cage of butterflies to release during the kiss, but as it turns out, they had all died because of the heat! When the big moment came, someone opened the cage dramatically to let them free and like two half dead butterflies stumbled out and the rest were shriveled and dead inside. The hippie bride screamed in horror.
10. UGH GROSS
When my cousin got married to his pregnant girlfriend, her father carried a shotgun when he walked her down the aisle.
11. A coupon for McD
Went to a wedding that my wife and I said will not last more than two years. The wedding was in the backyard of the brides house. They had all the chairs and wedding “arch” setup outside. They setup a plastic tarp running down the aisle to walk on. Just before the wedding starts, there are darking clouds appearing. Should have been a sign to move the wedding inside, but they invited too many people to the damn thing.
Just as they start the wedding, it begins to rain lightly. The father of the bride is walking the bride down the lane and slips on the wet tarp, and falls on his ass. Bride is now at the front, raining harder. People start to cover up with whatever they have. Some people start to get up too. Bride turns around and says to all, THIS IS MY WEDDING, NO ONE IS GOING TO RUIN IT, YOU BETTER ALL FUCKING SIT YOUR ASSES DOWN!
We all sit back down and the wedding resumes. It is now raining pretty good. The grass is now turning into mud. A few ladies in the crowd and the bridesmaids makeup is now running down the faces. My wife has taken my jacket as a cover from the rain. They finish the vows and kiss, and then everyone runs to the house and garage to get out of the rain. Oh, remember how I said the grass was now mud? Yea, lots of people slipped and fell in the mud on the way to the house.
We got to the house, many people look terrible from the runing makeup, muddy clothing, and soaking wet. A few of the women had to cover their chests and waists due to wet clothing becoming see-thru. Most of the men were loaning their coats to the ladies to cover up. Dirty looks all around.
The wedding cake was outside, and now brought in. The rain made the decorations on the cake turn all runny and it looks horrible. The bride and groom began to cut the cake and feed each other. The smashed the cake pieces into each others faces….then began a food fight with each other. My friends wife got hit in the face with purple icing cake on her face and dress. The priest got hit with and yellow icing on his white robe. There was nothing left of the cake to serve.
Food being served was still frozen in the middle of the food and the stuff that was not frozen, was burned. The desert was supped to be the cake, but as said above, there was nothing left. There was a goody bag that people got on the way out. Had a lollipop, a coupon for ice cream cone at McDonald’s, a pencil with the bride and groom name on it, and Halloween size M&Ms.My wife, whose dress was filthy, her makeup was out of wack, and her hair was a mess, said to me that she does not want to see those people again for 6 months she was so mad. The couple divorced 11 months later when the groom came home from work and found his wife getting double teamed by two guys.
12. Hooters
The groom showed up in a Hooters T-shirt. Turns out they had actually been divorced for 6 months at the time of the ceremony. The bride celebrated her honeymoon by checking herself into a mental hospital the day after the ceremony.
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13. Hunting
I once helped cater a hunting themed wedding, complete with camo print dress and tuxedos.
14. Many, many things
I wasn’t going to comment but honestly after reading these comments I realize how truly special my uncle’s redneck wedding was. Some notable things about the redneck wedding:
-To host the wedding in my uncle’s backyard they had to spend about an hour that morning (though the wedding was planned for months) moving rusted out car parts out of the way, and by out of the way I mean from the back yard to the front yard, and then covering them with a tarp. The entire back yard was dotted with massive patches of dead grass now, but nobody seemed to mind.
A yard sale was happening next door simultaneously which many of the guests made purchases at (including myself, $4 lava lamp, couldn’t resist)
The inside of the house was so disastrous none of the adult guests set foot in it. Myself and some of the other younger guests made a game of seeing who could tolerate the stench inside the house longest. Nobody lasted a full minute. There was literally garbage covering every surface with paths cut through the trash for movement. The garbage was so high it reached the bottom of the Christmas tree, which was still up in July.
Predicting the state of the house, one of the guest’s donation to the “pot luck” style wedding dinner was a portapotty. God as my witness, this man arranged to have a portapotty brought in to the bride and groom’s backyard so the other guests wouldn’t have to deal with the filth of the house and nobody objected to that or thought it out of place at all.
Other contributions to the pot luck dinner include weenies n’ beans, slices of bologna with Kraft singles rolled up and stuck with a toothpick as hors d’oeuvres, and two buckets of KFC chicken
Most of the bridesmaids had those sitting-walker things like this , all were morbidly obese, one had an oxygen tank, all were smoking cigarettes.
The grooms all wore their nicest ball caps during the ceremony.
The bride and groom didn’t have a full set of teeth between them
At one point during the ceremony the bride’s brother gave us all a “special surprise” which consisted of him using some sort of explosives to fire tiny plastic weights tied to Canada flag parachutes into the air. When I asked why he did this I was told “they’re Canada flags” at which point all confusion dissipated.
The dinner and reception were held at the local Legion (essentially a bar for old people, specifically veterans, not sure if other nations have something similar)
There were 6 rascal scooters parked outside the legion when I got there
The bartender didn’t pour drinks, he handed patrons a plastic cup with liquor in it and pointed them at the pop dispenser, also putting any change from drink orders directly into his tip jar
Honestly there was a bunch more weird s**t from that wedding, this is just the stuff off the top of my head. I’ve been to some very nice redneck weddings, but this was not one of them.
15. Never met
I was invited to a wedding where the bride had met her fiancee online and NEVER IN REAL LIFE. The first time that they would ever see each other was meant to be at the alter at their wedding. Not surprisingly, the dude never showed up. No one seemed that phased by it though. They were pretty much like, “Oh yeah bummer, his flight got cancelled. We’ll just proceed to the reception!”
Weirdest fucking thing ever. They’re still “dating” last I heard.
16. My own
Probably my own.
We had planned a lovely wedding, but when it came time to actually put plans into motion I realized there was no way in hell my family and his family needed to be within several miles of each other, much less the same venue.
We decided we’d get married, just the two of us and the gentleman responsible for the paperwork. Planned a lovely little picnic type event (our minister was a dear friend, we told him to bring his wife and we’d treat them to lunch afterwards) at a local duck pond that has a pretty gazebo we could use.
The morning of, and we apparently stepped into monsoon season. 20% chance of rain in the forecast had turned to 16 inches of rain overnight, with more on the way. We almost couldn’t leave our house because the water was so high. I call friend and tell him to scratch the duck pond idea, can he just meet us in town so nobody gets washed away?
Well, we also run a farm so the easiest common ground that we all knew how to get there was the local feed store. Hubby and I arrive early, go inside and buy the feed we needed. As we come out, friend arrives and helps hubby load feed into the back of our truck. Still pouring rain. I hear something and see a four or five week old kitten about to get washed into a storm drain so I grab it, wrap it in my jacket, and place it in the passenger seat of our truck before climbing into friend’s Honda Element. We say our vows, sitting in the backseat, soaking wet and covered in hay and mud, and go our separate ways afterwards. Hubby learns we have a new cat.
It was a clusterfuck from beginning to end, but somehow it was perfect and we have a hell of a story to tell our son someday.
Tl;dr: Got married in a flooded Tractor Supply parking lot after loading feed and rescuing a cat.
17. Didn’t like each other
The bride and groom weren’t actually very interested in each other. He was very wealthy and she needed financial stability, it didn’t matter from who. He needed emotional stability afforded by marriage, it didn’t matter from who. She was (maybe still is) having an affair with someone else, who just so happens to be one of her teachers from high school. He knows and doesn’t care. They got married anyway and it was awkward because only the friends of the couple knew what was actually going on.
Here’s the kicker: The bride specifically requested that the DJ play Panic At The Disco’s “I Write Sins Not Tragedies”.
18. Giraffes
My grandmother in-law went to a giraffe themed wedding for a guy with 3 baby mamas and an uncountable amount of kids. The bride and bridesmaids were in giraffe print dresses. There was also a giraffe cake and various sized giraffe ornaments scattered about.
19. Strip club
Can’t really say I attended this wedding, but my buddies and I went to a small gentlemans club (the only one in town) somewhat early in the night, and with us being there earlier than when most ppl go out there were only a couple other small groups besides us. Other than that, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. So we order our drinks, sit down at a table, and 15 or so minutes later in comes in an entire wedding party, groomsman fully dressed in suits, women in skimpy dresses and heels, claiming the row of booths along the back wall. They then proceeded to hold a quick reception, few speeches here and there, a couple round of appetizers and drinks, etc. All this with strippers doing their thing in the background
20. Pastor’s drunk
It wasn’t trashy because of anything the couple did. But…. …my friend walks down the aisle and the pastor is drunk. So he starts off with “We are here to celebrate the love between Daniel and…. what’s her face.” And it just goes downhill from there. I have never laughed at so many weird references in a ceremony before or after. He talked about not letting her uncle interfere in their sex life and how it was a marriage bed, not a marriage couch or kitchen table…
