Mike
I went to high school with a guy named Matt. He got kicked out for taking horse tranquilizers, but in the months before that Matt was a real dick to everyone. I think he set the tone for all of the other Matts I’d meet in life. If your name is Matt and this offends you, of course it does. That’s such a Matt reaction to have.
1.
in 2020 we are not talking to any guys named matt
— suck my fucking dick buzzfeed (@unrealizzztic) December 31, 2019
2.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) November 24, 2019
3.
boys that will definitely ruin your life:
1. any boy named kyle
2. all matts
3. chads (or anything with -ad)
4. any variation of zachary
5. any guy whose name starts with j— suck my fucking dick buzzfeed (@unrealizzztic) October 8, 2019
4.
Dating apps be like:
Matt, 30, financial analyst, enjoys craft beer and hiking
Matt, 33, holding a dead fish: “let’s eat pizza and watch the office”
Matt, 28: “if you don’t work out we won’t work out” “go birds” 6’1” because apparently that matters”
— jb (@jessbee_) December 26, 2019
5.
have you or a family member ever dated a guy named matt. you maybe entitled to compensation
— sarah nicole ryer (@sarahnicoleryer) October 15, 2019
6.
My decade in dating:
2010: serial killer
2011: human dial tone
2012: dial tone
2013: best friend
2014: best friend
2015: slut
2016: slut
2017: slut
2018: guy who compared me to a mailbox
2019: 15 guys named Matt— linda (@lwatts_93) December 28, 2019
7.
fun fact: ur body count doesn’t increase if u have already previously had sex w someone w that name. so for example, my body count this year was 1, bc even though i slept w 17 guys, they were ALL named matt.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) December 25, 2019
8.
90% of guys named Matt have their name on twitter and instagram as mattyice
— sara no h (@sargoldsteiin) March 12, 2014
9.
what up we’re 5 White Dudes in a Band, this is our drummer Mustache SticknPoke, our bassist NailPolish Earring, lead singer Denim Glasses, and 2 guys named Matt. Altogether we have 3 famous dads, 6 DUIs, and 4 pics of us on a couch outside.Our EP ‘My ex is crazy’ out on bandcamp
— gluten-free baguette (@DerivativeSin) April 23, 2019
10.
I have slept with enough guys named Matt to populate a small town in Ohio
— Amy Cardinale (@thingsamytweets) September 20, 2018
11.
the hardest part about working in tech is telling the difference between all the white guys named matt
— kiersten (@kierstennamber) July 30, 2019
12.
Frat boys will find out you like Kpop and be like “WTF dude 12 guys in one group lol how do you tell apart they look the same” even though they had 4 white guys named Matt in their pledge class of 15.
— long island’s boy (@stephengriswold) December 20, 2018
13.
i do believe i was put on this earth to systematically ruin the lives of white men by dating them, to ensure that guys named matt have full blown panic attacks every time they get a text message.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) October 24, 2019
14.
There’s too many guys named “Matt” at this Whole Foods.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 6, 2018
15.
When I am king, all welcome mats will be replaced by guys named Matt who lay down in front of doors saying “welcome” to whomever approaches.
— Some call me RZA (@jrza206) July 17, 2015
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