When your partner says they heard you talking in your sleep, everyone’s first thought is usually “Oh, shit, did I reveal any deep, dark secrets?”
Luckily, the majority of the time sleep talking is pure gibberish, so most of us can rest easy.
Not so much for a Kansas couple and his girlfriend, Twitter user @Sleep_Sayings, who meticulously chronicles the weird things her boyfriend mutters while catching Zs.
From the smell of eyeballs to the duck who stole the remote control to believing he’s Jon Snow, @Sleep_Sayings has shared some pretty hilarious tweets during the course of their relationship, racking up almost 21K followers while doing so.
Here are some of the choicest of sleep quotes…
1.
Him: "I'm gonna give him a fossil."
Me: "A fossil?"
Him: "Yeah, a fuck-you-saurus."— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) August 23, 2016
2.
"Spaghetti is hair for meatballs."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) January 6, 2017
3.
I saw you with the apple.
Whore.
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) January 26, 2016
4.
Him: "THE TREES ARE COMING CAITLIN."
Me: "…why?"
Him: "Do I look like I know?"— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) April 23, 2017
5.
No octopus you can't do that!!
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) October 19, 2015
6.
"Butterfly you made a mistake walking in front of me."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) November 11, 2016
7.
Him: What color is the diamond?
Me: What?
Him: WHAT COLOR IS IT
Me: idk, black??
Him: What are you, stupid?— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) November 11, 2015
8.
"Where are my pancakes, penguin?"
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) February 8, 2017
9.
Your eyeballs smell like eyeballs
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) February 17, 2016
10.
"…but I wanna be Mary Poppins."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) May 13, 2017
11.
"Do you know where the TV remote is? No? I'll just ask the duck."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) September 1, 2016
12.
"I'm the barbarian. I have the stick."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) June 9, 2017
13.
"And as you know, I'm Hawaii."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) April 14, 2017
14.
"No. You're a shit princess."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) February 25, 2017
15.
"Don't take my toes. What are you doing??"
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) May 9, 2017
16.
"They took all my dinosaurs… All of them."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) December 7, 2016
17.
"But the gremlin has my money!"
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) May 26, 2017
18.
Him: "Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross GROSS!!"
Me: "What??"
Him: "I don't want to have sex covered in mayo!!"— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) September 14, 2016
19.
"I only eat chipotle because they like my boots."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) June 17, 2016
20.
"I don't know what the hell to tell you, cat, but you're not doing that."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) November 19, 2016
21.
Why is it doing that. Why is it cold. Get me a leg.
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) November 28, 2015
22.
I don't care, I'm getting tigers.
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) January 8, 2016
23.
"Don't let Mario win… Not with guacamole!"
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) March 4, 2016
24.
Aw yisssssss mother fucking apples
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) January 30, 2016
25.
"Quit flying and lay down, dog."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) March 10, 2017
26.
"September 11…. Gotta get the bags…"
I swear he's not a terrorist, it's when he starts his new job 🙃😂.
— caitlin with sleep talking husband (@Sleep_Sayings) August 20, 2016
27.
"I request a warrant for some alone time… With the pillow…"
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) October 17, 2016
28.
Him: "Should be interesting."
Me: "What should be?"
Him: "Texas in the Third World War."— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) April 26, 2016
29.
"I lost the ostrich."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) April 17, 2016
30.
"You can't fucking wear that… The burrito is bad."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) May 27, 2016
31.
Him: "Please don't."
Me: "Don't what?"
Him: "You know."— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) March 19, 2016
32.
"John snow is me."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) May 9, 2016
33.
"I need a refund for the toenails."
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) October 26, 2016
34.
HEY. don't pee on it.
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) November 3, 2015
35.
There's never enough nacho cheese.
— caitlin—formerly sir lord dick pat (@Sleep_Sayings) December 4, 2015