Just 30 Of The Funniest Tweets About New Year’s Resolutions

21.

my new year’s resolution is to have healthier thought patterns bc as of right now someone can text me “ok” instead of “ok!” & i’ll be in my head assuming they hate me and are praying for my untimely demise

— ellie (@holy_schnitt) December 28, 2018

22.

My daughter: “Daddy, you have a very big tummy. Like Peppa’s Daddy.”
Me: “you’re comparing me to Daddy Pig?”
Daughter: “yes.”

Well… My resolution to not eat at all throughout 2019 has just been made much easier. pic.twitter.com/56UsNBvuuo

— Peter Shankman (@petershankman) December 29, 2018

23.

One of my New Years resolutions is to give off more BDE and also more HGE (horse girl energy)

— Adam Rippon (@Adaripp) December 29, 2018

24.

My New Years resolution is to be more active. Sexually.

— Dysfunction Jct (@mjs03093641) December 28, 2018

25.

my resolution for 2019 is to refer to myself less often as “trash” and more often as “recycling” because at least my nonsense is eco-friendly and sustainable

— emma lord (@dilemmalord) December 28, 2018

26.

i think a great new years resolution would be for people to learn what eyebrows are supposed to look like before they draw them on their face.

— cypher nought (@letstrytomorrow) December 27, 2018

27.

My New Year’s Resolution is to leaving out words in my Tweets

— Michael Eisen (@mbeisen) December 31, 2018

28.

I’m trying to complete my 2018 New Year’s resolution list. To sum it up, I have 25 hours to lose 38 pounds. Serious suggestions only, please.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) December 30, 2018

29.

2019 New Year’s resolution: no more bangs. please.

— Louise (@lsmrfl) December 27, 2018

30.

my new years resolution is to come to terms with the fact that John Mayer is in his 40s

— Christine Sydelko (@csydelko) December 23, 2018

31.

My New Year’s resolution is 7680×4320.

— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) December 31, 2018

32.

I am happy that this year I kept my resolution of not being passive aggressive…

As opposed to somebody I know!

— Fr. Goyo (@FrGoyo) December 29, 2018

33.

This past year I went to the gym four times, and my New Years resolution is to cut that number in half.

— Alex Wyse (@alexwyse) December 28, 2018

34.

my New Year’s resolution is to stop saying “yowza” during intercourse

— Django Gold (@django) December 31, 2018

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