Mike
Food. It’s pretty much the only thing everyone has in common.
We all have to eat, so these next 21 tweets should resonate on some level.
Or if not at least you’ll get a cheap laugh.
1.
https://twitter.com/ahuj9/status/114745724457074688
2.
https://twitter.com/jaybn1/status/766346598536343552
3.
Waitress: what can I get for you?
Me: i'll have the steak
W: how would you like it?
Me: immediately
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 17, 2015
4.
I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 3, 2016
5.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
6.
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
— Charles Drugs (@mattytalks) January 8, 2012
7.
2:00pm: Gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later
2:06pm: Time to finish that sandwich
— Dylan Farella (@dfarella) February 5, 2019
8.
We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop.
— Sanditon Coffee (@SanditonCoffee) May 13, 2013
9.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
10.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
11.
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
— elon mustard (@nice_mustard) September 3, 2013
12.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted— Elspeth Eastman (@ElspethEastman) September 18, 2016
13.
*whispers to an avocado*
"I'm the good kind of fat, too."— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 25, 2014
14.
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
15.
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
16.
People who think you can't be happy and sad at the same time have obviously never eaten all the cookies in the house in one sitting.
— Northern Lights 🦖🐢🐸 (@PinkCamoTO) February 10, 2016
17.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 22, 2015
18.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 4, 2015
19.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) October 9, 2014
20.
*calls up pizza place*
WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 6, 2014
21.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
22.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 29, 2016
23.
Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things:
1. Food
2. Not moving
3. Avoiding people— Marcus A. Stricklin (@marcusthetoken) July 18, 2011
24.
[at SunMaid farms with a guy]
Guy: so is this a date?
Girl:… No? These are raisins— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) July 1, 2016
25.
https://twitter.com/BeardSpice/status/469613229451132928
26.
https://twitter.com/4anno/status/169065925658677248
