Food. It’s pretty much the only thing everyone has in common.
We all have to eat, so these next 21 tweets should resonate on some level.
Or if not at least you’ll get a cheap laugh.
a steak pun is a rare medium well done
— sreegs (@ahuj9) September 16, 2011
Waitress: what can I get for you?
Me: i'll have the steak
W: how would you like it?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 17, 2015
I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 3, 2016
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it's just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
Ladies call me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches
— My dad is dead (@mattytalks) January 8, 2012
2:00pm: Gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later
2:06pm: Time to finish that sandwich
— Dylan Farella (@dfarella) February 5, 2019
We just received a DM that just said "Wanna fuck?" and then a link. We cannot fuck anybody. We are a coffee shop.
— Sanditon Coffee (@SanditonCoffee) May 13, 2013
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) November 30, 2013
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) December 26, 2013
hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine
— mustard (@nice_mustard) September 3, 2013
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
— Elspeth Eastman (@ElspethEastman) September 18, 2016
*whispers to an avocado*
"I'm the good kind of fat, too."
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) April 25, 2014
It's called "celery" because "cold, wet plant bones" takes too long.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 9, 2013
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) April 22, 2015
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 4, 2015
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) October 9, 2014
*calls up pizza place*
WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVEN? IF YOU'RE TRYING TO TEAR MY FAMILY APART IT'S WORKING
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) February 6, 2014
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) March 29, 2016
Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things:
2. Not moving
3. Avoiding people
— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) July 18, 2011
YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
— BeardSpice (@BeardSpice) May 22, 2014
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
— Ramsay Merbert (@4anno) February 13, 2012