Have you ever gotten very angry and blurted out an insult that you were later really proud of? Me either, but some people are really good with words like that. Especially people from the UK.
Séamas O’Reilly is a journalist who once wrote, “When I was 8 a woman on the bus – to whom I’d said NOTHING – told me her husband was so selfish, ‘the c—t would peel an orange in his pocket.'” That’s pretty good. O’Reilly prompted his followers to share their own “artfully constructed disses,” before also sharing how a friend’s dad said about cheap people: “if he found a plaster, he’d cut himself” (a “plaster” is a Band-Aid, by the way.)
Here are 29 other clever insults from across the pond:
Oh, I’ve remembered another one; my aunt described a particularly amorous young man she had known growing up in Fermanagh; “He’d have got up on himself if he could turn quick enough”
— Séamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) August 13, 2018
1.
My great gran used to say ‘it’s not his fault his ugly, but he could have stayed in’.
— Andrew King (@AndyKingNA) August 13, 2018
2.
Once, when I was on holiday as a child, my parents got talking to an elderly Scottish couple in our hotel bar. The lady was trying to point something out to her husband, who couldn’t see it and frustratedly she said “Christ Fergus, are your eyes painted on?”
— Dan Mason (@DesignerDan_) August 13, 2018
3.
“They were the shakin’s of the bag” describing the last born of a family usually when the parents have well passed peak sprog popping age
— Kevin Williams (@The__Willy) August 13, 2018
4.
I was a painfully skinny teen and my grandfather once greeted my arrival with: “the door opened and nobody came in”. When I went through my all-Black goth phase he described me as looking like “Johnny Cash’s walking stick”.
— Neal Davies (@thedavies) August 13, 2018
5.
“As ugly as a hat full of arseholes”. Thanks dad.
— Sian Cain (@siancain) August 13, 2018
6.
‘She’s got a face that would turn a funeral up a side street.’
— Sarah Cumbersome (@loved_up_ferret) August 13, 2018
7.
I worked in retail and a colleague said of our (terrible) boss “you know, he’s the kid of guy I couldn’t just stab once”.
— Matt McSherry (@mcsherry_matt) August 13, 2018
8.
My mum likes to say “at least they aren’t spoiling two houses” about any particularly obnoxious couple
— Eleanor (@GlonaldDover) August 13, 2020
9.
A colleague once described someone as “a hard man to ignore but well worth the effort.” The same person also described someone as “ deeply avoidable “.
— the leather beltsovich (@bunglesfinger1) August 13, 2018
10.
When I first started wearing a bra, my arch nemesis stated that she didn’t know why I was wearing a bra as “… She’s so flat the walls wouldn’t be jealous”..
Given that we were both 12 I think it was an exceptionally well crafted (of mean) Diss..
— It’s a midlife Tayto (@ickle_tayto) August 13, 2020