Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
Want some milk?
– Eww is it breast milk?
No no it comes from a 1500-pound animal with four stomachs
– Oh OK then, cool
— REW (@therealeatwood) August 6, 2016
Reworking some common sayings for when Trump becomes President. Please use these going forward pic.twitter.com/nZdvC8KS8J
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) August 10, 2016
NEWS ANCHOR: the stock market crashed today
ME: Oh no I should check my investments [opens safe and 4 whole hams fall out] oh thank god
— Rocky Momax (@rockymomax) August 10, 2016
Cornholio? I haven’t heard that name in years… pic.twitter.com/BPM2zO0j8r
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) August 8, 2016
I’ve slid through the desert on a horse with no legs.
— Alex Hannon (@Liffonmelsmork) August 9, 2016
The grocery divider stick was invented in Texas in 1957 when a blind man was wrongfully forced to pay for everyone’s groceries.
— Hillolly Clinton (@Chumpstring) March 11, 2016
A wacky inflatable tube man crying but still waving his arms as he identifies his wife’s body
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) August 9, 2016
It’s crazy how different Shawshank Redemption would’ve been if they went with the original ending. pic.twitter.com/9oj7eN5nWy
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 7, 2014
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) August 6, 2016
fool me once, shame on you. literally never fool me again after that please
— butt sword (@buttsword) August 6, 2016
if this cat told me to murder someone I would pic.twitter.com/A8WMq514Jv
— keri online (@joanofdarkness) August 6, 2016
My last DJ gig I fucked up and accidentally played the whole first season of the serial podcast. I gotta learn to break it up
— Cornell Reid (@CornellReid) August 8, 2016
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) November 14, 2015
HBO, please start doing this for The Night Of. pic.twitter.com/joFL8UOoy2
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 8, 2016
MONKEY: *chases weasel around mulberry bush* this is fun!
MONKEY: *slowly backs away* I didn’t do that, I was never here
— (Drunk) Duck (@druuuck) July 31, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.