Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 12, 2018
[Starting my day]
ME: Today is going to be a good day![Literally anything happens]
ME: Okay this is actually too much right now and I need to lie down.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) August 6, 2018
BEFORE HAVING KIDS: “I am NEVER making separate meals for my children”
4 YEARS LATER: “Let me repeat your order: tri-color pasta (al dente) with butter & cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.”
— Bret Turner (@bretjturner) August 15, 2018
VOICEOVER: Are you bored? Sick of nothing to do? Try…Your Feet™️! Mash them together over and over. Stick the toes in your mouth. Grab one and wag the other one in the air for a while. Your Feet™️! Hours of fun!
-if babies were in charge of commercials
— Maz Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) August 5, 2018
Doctor: ma’am, I’m sorry. Your husband did not survive the operation.
[Me watching video of cats scared of cucumbers] haha what— honky tonk angel bb (@dulcetry) January 20, 2016
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
— David Juurlink (@DavidJuurlink) August 12, 2018
ME: Kelly left me 🙁
MY FRIEND IN THE NSA: Cheer up buddy. There are 22 single women on your block, and 7,138 single women in your city. 113 of them like your dark humor. Those are pretty good odds
— Michael 🕶 (@Home_Halfway) August 15, 2018
[hospital]
SURGEON: [lowers mask] I’m sorry, we were unable to separate the art from the artist
ME: is he
S: yes, he’s still an asshole— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) June 22, 2018
me: i am a human being, earth’s dominant species, and i will not be-
wasp: fuck off
me: ok
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 9, 2018
“hey, want some tomatoes from my garden?” – people who grow tomatoes in their garden
— Travis Mononymous (@Prof_Hinkley) August 15, 2018
ME: I have a rap battle coming up and I’m really nervous and nauseous
MOM: have some of my spaghetti and put on a sweater
ME: sounds good— Becky Isotobe (@BuckyIsotope) September 19, 2017
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) August 14, 2018
I drank turkish coffee and my eyeballs are vibrating and I need to scale several buildings and maybe throw a car or two into the east river immediately
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) August 7, 2018
Them: what are you thinking about?
Me (wondering if the outback down the street just threw out a bloomin onion after closing up and maybe it’s just sitting on top and would still be good to eat bc I really want one right now): nothing
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) August 17, 2018
My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn’t want to share it with our kids.
— Lady Lieutenant Columbo 🔎 (@TacosChallah) August 15, 2018
While you’re here, you should check out last week’s most hilarious tweets.
