Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this extra special dose of 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week that are surprisingly entirely Trump-free.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
— Mark Magark (@markedly) June 15, 2017
*tries to sneak into bed so I don’t wake my wife*
*accidentally plays 1812 Overture*
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) April 30, 2017
Sorry I didn’t text u back I was pretending I didn’t see it and I ended up actually forgetting
— newport (@asiancrackbaby) July 18, 2017
Presumably good at helping people stay alive. pic.twitter.com/xvj0jF3lJh
— Andrew Dennison (@CharlieBeatnik) July 14, 2017
Once I made fun of a movie on here and the woman who wrote it followed me for 6 months and only faved 1 tweet, where I said I’d gotten sick
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) July 17, 2017
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 15, 2017
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) July 16, 2017
airline safety director: draw the mom putting the mask on herself 1st then on her 5yr old son
artist who has never met someone under 45: ok pic.twitter.com/1EPgxuPByA— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) July 15, 2017
[gives date the “just one sec” sign as I answer my phone] Hello? Oh hi The Pope [I do the hand talking thing to suggest how chatty he is]
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) July 19, 2017
What’s with this dude that keeps saying “Turn around” in “Total Eclipse of the Heart”? Man, shut the fuck up, she’s trying to sing a song.
— R.E.W. (@therealeatwood) July 14, 2017
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
— Deirdre (@figgled) July 18, 2017
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) June 30, 2015
[Invention of golf]
Pass me that stick [grits teeth] this ball can fuck off
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 6, 2017
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) July 18, 2017
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
— Bear Knee Sanders (@LeBearGirdle) July 19, 2017
And if you need even more, you can check out the most hilarious tweets from last week.
