Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) November 6, 2017
Me: I wish I was a little bit taller
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her
I wish I had a rabbit in a hat….
Genie: I said 3 wishes
— Brynnester® (@brynnester) November 8, 2017
Now, we’ve got a big game next week in Alabama, so-
“will we be flying coach?”
of course we’ll be flying, dumbass, it’s halfway across the country
— Kal (@captainkalvis) November 9, 2017
me, to my cat: ur ancestors used to be lions and all u do is vomit all over the fucken place
— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) December 31, 2015
Ohio is the only state that sounds like you said hello to someone thinking it was your friend but it wasn’t them
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) November 6, 2017
How do you do, fellow kids? pic.twitter.com/1LrY67XPJc
— GPoss (@gogglepossum) November 6, 2017
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
— Paul (@bingowings14) May 10, 2017
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) March 15, 2016
packing for college is hard bc what if brad invites u to alpha apple pie’s disco Hawaiian foam ugly sweater pajama flannels & handles party
— Maddie Binion (@maddiebinion) August 11, 2017
It’s terrifying to think Gary Oldman could be any one of us.
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) November 4, 2017
HOT GIRL: So….[winks] your place?
ME: Hahaha no, I have no idea who owns this bar
[2 days later]
ME [sits bolt upright] DAMN IT
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) November 3, 2017
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 1, 2017
Son: Why do younger people have so much more energy?
Me: Because life hasn’t crushed their hopes & dreams yet.
Me: Just because.
— keith (@tchrquotes) October 7, 2017
[trying to look tough on my 1st day in prison]
*accidentally spills milk* Oh, fiddlesticks
I mean MUTHAFUCKIN FIDDLESTICKS
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) March 24, 2015
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
— Mave (@MavenofHonor) November 8, 2017
If you need even more, you can check out last week’s most hilarious tweets.