Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
the human body is like a horrible time machine that only goes at one speed and rots while you’re inside it
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 27, 2018
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) March 27, 2018
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 24, 2017
Not to get all Black Mirror/your dad about it but wild how there was a time when ‘brb’ was necessary because you weren’t just constantly mainlining the internet in the background of the rest of your life
— Eve Livingston (@eve_rebecca) March 26, 2018
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) March 26, 2018
Just saw my dog run past me with a teeny pair of boxer briefs in his mouth and my naked son chasing him yelling I’M GONNA GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEIN’ NAKED GIVE IT BACK so ok I give up for tonight
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 11, 2018
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) March 24, 2018
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*— Travis comma bitch (@Prof_Hinkley) January 23, 2015
Just gonna pop into this dressing room. What could go wrong? pic.twitter.com/afb1ZqUBwl
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 10, 2018
[holds megaphone up to mouth]
*SIGH*
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) April 3, 2015
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) March 7, 2018
Me: [drops the shampoo in my shower at home]
*10 minutes later*
*knock at my door*
Guy who lives 2 miles away: we heard an explosion, is everyone okay?
— brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) March 27, 2018
Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
— mindflakes (@_mindflakes) March 27, 2015
Can you die from having too many passwords to remember
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) March 13, 2018
what if the person who named track and field named other sports?
basketball: floor and hoop
hockey: net and ice
pole vault: pole and hole
swimming: water
— The Hyperbolic Time Chamber (@TheHyyyype) March 28, 2018
Wait a minute…don’t you want to check out the most hilarious tweets from last week?
