Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some hilarious tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the best tweets we saw this week.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 6, 2016
fucking roasted pic.twitter.com/mj6CS0mDz0
— stefan heck (@boring_as_heck) October 30, 2016
police chief: what do they want
hostage negotiator who hates the police chief: a helicopter and for you to get a dick tattooed on your face
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 27, 2016
Don’t ask me to help babysit then tell me to leave my nunchucks in the car
— Jacob Swift (@Jacob_Swift16) October 30, 2016
ZOOKEEPER: sir, come out of the gorilla enclosure
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS: *ape noises*
Z: pls Daniel, i have a family
D: *signs “i am Harambe”*
— Wylde de Beest (@flashember) November 2, 2016
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) October 31, 2016
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
— DVS (@DVSblast) November 2, 2016
Me: that’s not scary
Ghost: oh i don’t mean boo like scary boo i mean boo like “you suck” boo
Me: ok i get it
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) October 29, 2016
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) October 11, 2016
Home is where the heart is. The backyard is where the stomach is. I keep the teeth in my wallet. I can’t remember where I put the head.
— NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) May 23, 2014
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
— Todd ‘Papi’ Skullos (@TheToddWilliams) February 5, 2016
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
— Le Scare Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) October 22, 2016
sorry just got your text. is someone still breaking into your place?
— Mae (@mzeld) November 1, 2016
Ways Trump is like a Pumpkin Spice Latte:
2. Liked by too many white people
3. Will hopefully go away after November
— braden graeber (@hipstermermaid) November 1, 2016
“OK EVERYBODY BE COOL”
[everyone keeps skateboarding]
“ok um EVERYBODY STOP BEING COOL”
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) October 18, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.