When I was a kid, the best thing about Halloween was the candy.
Now that I’m an adult, the best thing about Halloween is the tweets.
And that is easily the most depressing thing I have ever written.
So, I’m going to go drown in despair and while I’m doing that, you should have a look at some of the funniest Halloween tweets that have ever graced the Internet.
if you’re in seattle and you drive by my house prepare for the fright of your life pic.twitter.com/xTp3ucjjtw
— spookymoof (@supermoof) October 16, 2016
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I’m going to be for the rest of my life.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) September 27, 2015
“daddy why do celebrate halloween” [don’t say worshipping satan don’t say worshipping satan] well son, it’s for worshipping satan
— frankenmustard (@nice_mustard) October 23, 2013
1 out of every 5 people you see dressed up at your halloween party is just me, changing costumes, every 6 minutes
— chuuch (@ch000ch) October 25, 2015
I couldn’t find a Halloween wreath that was scary enough so I’m just gonna hang a 2016 calendar on my door.
— Nasty Kendra Alvey (@Kendragarden) October 12, 2016
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger’s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) October 27, 2014
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) October 29, 2012
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
— paperwarsh© (@PaperWash) September 5, 2015
If I pay $40 for a haunted house I better die
— september22 (@hodgesboi15) October 12, 2013
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 3, 2013
For Halloween this year, I’m going as the parents from Dirty Dancing since I’ll already be yelling at everyone for having fun.
— Nick or Tweet (@NickBossRoss) October 16, 2012
This Halloween I’m going as ‘Accidentally Opening Photoshop’.
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) October 18, 2015
For Halloween should I be Girl In Sweats Ordering Chinese Food or Girl In Pajamas Ordering Pizza
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) October 29, 2014
Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 28, 2014
Oh hell yeah, a super elaborate father-daughter halloween costume! I’m sure this was the little girls idea
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) October 19, 2016
If you really want to scare everyone this Halloween, dress up as intimacy.
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) October 27, 2014
Halloween is the only time I can wear a wedding dress and not look desperate.
— Jackie Carbajal (@jackiecarbajal) October 22, 2015
What’s a good Halloween costume that doesn’t require makeup and isn’t uncomfortable and is my regular clothes?
— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) October 19, 2016
going to a halloween party as a girl who doesnt dress up and just drinks your beer
— kristen drum (@kristendrum) October 26, 2013
Go to a costume shop, hang out by the wall of president masks, and ask an associate which one shows up blurriest on a bank surveillance tape
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) October 19, 2012
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 10, 2016
The Halloween knock-off costume names are so good pic.twitter.com/NC2DWjGR4g
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) October 18, 2016
For Halloween this year I’m going as “Guy Who Feels Awkward at Halloween Parties”
— Michael? (@Home_Halfway) October 20, 2014
My daughters used to wear inappropriately sexy costumes for Halloween but now that they’re 16 they only dress that way all the time.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) October 27, 2014
For Halloween this year I’m going as a fatter version of myself last year.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 12, 2016
The more effort you put into dressing your dog for Halloween, the more everybody else feels sorry for you.
— caprice crane (@capricecrane) October 17, 2013
I just got invited to a Halloween party today, which gives me weeks to come up with a really cool costume!
[night before party]
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) October 5, 2016
I’m not doing anything for Halloween so I guess I’m going as The Government
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) October 11, 2013
Going to Halloween parties and pretending to be someone I’m not is good practice for the family Christmas party.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) October 31, 2013
If you’re looking for more Twitter fun, there are a shitload of funny tweets for you to enjoy right here.