Max
Say what you will about 2016. At the very least, it was a pretty great year for tweets. And don’t ask me why this list is at 176. It’s just where it ended up really. Plus nothing about this year really made much sense anyway, so it’s pretty fitting. Anyway…I won’t keep you too much longer. You’ve got way too much reading and laughing to do right now. In no particular order (because this took way too long as is), here are the 176 funniest tweets of 2016.
You see? This is exactly why I don’t exercise. pic.twitter.com/vadpV1s4kQ
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) July 2, 2016
1300s: I’m dying from the Black Plague
1800s: I’m 9 and work in a factory
1900s: I’m off to fight in a war
2000s: IM OFFENDED
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) July 2, 2016
My cat learned he could scoop up food with his cone and stole my damn taco when I wasn’t looking pic.twitter.com/R75ZNR8QE0
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 8, 2016
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
— molly (@MollySneed) July 25, 2016
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) October 23, 2016
Hell yeah! I just got named the new KFC Colone — I’ve been replaced.
— Gary Dudak (@dudakattack) October 21, 2016
The grocery divider stick was invented in Texas in 1957 when a blind man was wrongfully forced to pay for everyone’s groceries.
— Olly Domino (@Chumpstring) March 11, 2016
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
— beth with the cat (@bourgeoisalien) June 30, 2016
[Movie is rated R for extreme graphic violence]
Me to my kids: This is gonna be awesome![& partial nudity]
Me: on that part close ur eyes— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) July 18, 2016
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) October 4, 2016
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016
KID IN PARK [crying] I dunno where my mum’s gone to
ME:Oh no
WIFE:Talk to him
M: Hey listen *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition— Jon (@ArfMeasures) October 5, 2016
Each Trump speech you listen to Eternal Sunshines 5 books from your mind.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) August 3, 2016
baby: c-c-
mom: his first word!
baby: c-c-c
baby: c-cut my life into pieces
this is my last resort
suffocation
no breathing— gary from teen mom (@garyfromteenmom) November 10, 2016
[on 1st date]
Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before?
Her: No, I’d love to
Me: Same
Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim— (((dak))) (@daplusk) July 5, 2015
*texting*
sister: grandma passed away..
me: sadface.gif
me: did that load
— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) August 18, 2016
i made a compilation of white kids lipsyncing the n-word on musically pic.twitter.com/TtPV3xI3A0
— Wahlid Mohammad (@Wahlid) June 22, 2016
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) November 25, 2016
My playlist for when I stand on mountains pic.twitter.com/MwhuztI53W
— Nate-ivity Scene (@natechartier1) September 6, 2016
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
Brian: thanks[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 9, 2016
boss: did you finish that billboard
dave: yeah
boss: did you inexplicably make it about your ex again
dave: uhm, pic.twitter.com/2icHZMlh3J— goth milf (@themiltron) June 26, 2016
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
— Beary Christmas haha (@LeBearGirdle) October 22, 2016
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 1, 2016
We need to use math symbols in sentences, now > ever
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) June 17, 2016
