Max
Dad: *hands me pen* This was your Grandpa’s. He used it to write us during WWII and-
Me: I lost it
D: What?
M: I’ve already lost the pen
— decent pigeon (@decentbirthday) August 29, 2016
Honestly thought someone was just super excited about the drinks machine pic.twitter.com/4Drv2pC085
— Truck Boy (@lewisheywood) October 18, 2016
CATERPILLAR: *ejaculates all over itself* well, I guess I’ll just sleep in this until I’m beautiful
— Nicklier&Doodlier (@OneTrickTofani) October 3, 2016
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post. pic.twitter.com/nE6TKV9nyP
— KattsDogma (@KattsDogma) April 26, 2016
[getting owned by a group of teens]
ME: listen dudes, you should respect your elders
TEEN: suck my dick
ME: i won’t. i will not do that— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) May 29, 2016
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises— Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) July 20, 2016
which is why i begin my sentences in the middle
— sleigh-chelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) June 17, 2016
Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
— JB 4Realz (@JB4Realz) September 15, 2016
Good morning everyone except Bruno Mars pic.twitter.com/Eddbrbi0li
— kendrick lobstar (@KLobstar) October 14, 2016
Hell hath no fury like a woman who you woke up from a nap at the time she asked you to wake her up
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 17, 2016
Therapist: let’s look at why you feel like such a big dumb loser
Me: I didn’t say that
Therapist [looks at notes]: well one of us did— David Hughes (@david8hughes) July 9, 2016
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) November 10, 2016
This mannequin just threw a textbook in the garbage and told me to call it by its first name pic.twitter.com/VLdvMBY17g
— Emmett Morrison (@EmmettMorrison) October 19, 2016
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) October 9, 2016
How are so many people JUST NOW offended by Trump? It’s like getting to the 7th Harry Potter book & realizing Voldemort might be a bad guy.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 8, 2016
My sister’s maternity pics…I’m cracking up pic.twitter.com/4zbiCvwyfd
— tally (@Ataliagarcia5) July 25, 2016
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) August 11, 2016
[Alex Trebek] this is the opposite of hate
[me] what is love
[Trebek under his breath] baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more— ibid (@ibid78) September 14, 2016
learning the important French phrases for my upcoming trip pic.twitter.com/n3k0E1FvLR
— Rob (@rockymomax) June 27, 2016
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
— Terry F (@daemonic3) October 23, 2016
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
— Mischievous Mike (@mstern68) July 12, 2016
[Stripclub]
STRIPPER: so you’re the birthday boy
ME: *nervous* yes
STRIPPER: is this your first time?
ME: *points to cake* no i’m turning 26— Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 15, 2016
biden: cmon you gotta print a fake birth certificate, put it in an envelope labeled “SECRET” and leave it in the oval office desk
obama: joe pic.twitter.com/UTtv1JkE5o— jomny sun, authoer (@jonnysun) November 11, 2016
Welcome to the jungle
We’ve got lots of trees
We’ve got everything you want
If that thing is trees— Jack The Jew (@okimstillhungry) September 20, 2016
i can probably guess tho pic.twitter.com/VQLKQ328nK
— ɴᴇᴡ ʏᴇᴀʀ’s ʀᴇɴ ✨ (@moren1ke) June 20, 2016
