Max
Guy: I’ll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me
Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots— Mike F (@mikefossey) October 2, 2016
13 friends with birthdays today on Facebook. Was too lazy. So they all got a copy and paste of “Happy birthday, Jason.”
— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) December 8, 2016
The year is 2054. My casket’s being lowered into the landfill. My grandson Chipotle starts to play Taps on his iBugle. A 15 second ad plays.
— jerm himsantafish (@JermHimselfish) June 15, 2016
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) August 18, 2016
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
— joe (@sad_tree) September 9, 2016
[door opens to my evil lair]
ME (spinning slowly in my chair): hello mr bon—
ASSISTANT: sorry sir it’s me again
ME: damn it derek get out— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 27, 2016
If this election has taught us anything it’s that we need to stop teaching kids anyone can be president
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) October 25, 2016
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) May 9, 2016
The inventor of movie showtimes has died. Those wishing to pay their respects can attend services at 4:30, 5:10, 6:20, 8:15, 9:30 and 10:45
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) June 5, 2016
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) March 10, 2016
ME:*lighting candles for romantic dinner*
DATE: this is lovely babe
ME:*whispering* die you fucking candles— Human Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 1, 2016
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) June 1, 2016
Ordered my drink @Starbucks Asked the barista if she wanted my name. She winked and said. “We gotcha” #JodieFoster pic.twitter.com/ItjBZoJzP2
— Helen Hunt (@HelenHunt) May 23, 2016
MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed
PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 20, 2016
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) May 21, 2016
[i feel a rock in my shoe so i take it off and a sword falls out] ah yes just as i suspected
— butt . sword (@buttsword) March 16, 2016
6 minutes after walking into Sephora pic.twitter.com/5ah3bOmDJs
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) May 14, 2016
Enough golf. Time to terrify some kids https://t.co/884YZfxvFS
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) May 18, 2016
spread out guys we’re looking for any clues, teeth, hair… pic.twitter.com/HyCbbyyHM3
— forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) May 12, 2016
Some people strive for excellence at their jobs and then there are the people who name things in this town pic.twitter.com/rzLAyb8l34
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) May 17, 2016
Who else panics when they’re stopped next to a school bus because teens could possibly be in there roasting you
— ❤️ (@jodecicry) May 10, 2016
okay but you don’t have to be mean about it pic.twitter.com/DeNZ3VVUJM
— kristen drum (@kristendrum) May 7, 2016
QB ryan fitzpatrick: i’d rather retire than make a measly $8Mil a year
me: im gonna check under the sink if i dropped any hotdogs down there— everett byram (@rad_milk) May 6, 2016
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) April 21, 2016
me: can i go to the bathroom
teacher: it’s *may
me: yeah i go pretty much every month— goth milf (@themiltron) May 3, 2016
