Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some funny tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
[door opens to my evil lair]
ME (spinning slowly in my chair): hello mr bon—
ASSISTANT: sorry sir it’s me again
ME: damn it derek get out
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 27, 2016
Charlotte’s Web (1973) a female does all the work and the male gets all the credit. then she dies, Family
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) June 5, 2016
who says romance is dead pic.twitter.com/410Hf3IajK
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) June 4, 2016
Trump strong contender for 2016 Westminster dog show pic.twitter.com/SkAuT49Rto
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) June 3, 2016
🎶More than a pic.twitter.com/A0Hhy0krgg
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) June 3, 2016
Reserved for pregnant women to pee on their babies pic.twitter.com/PASCYkYPoa
— Anonymous Tanks (@Burger_Time_) July 27, 2015
Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.
— denise (@Stellacopter) March 31, 2016
Do I like making wagers using other people’s body parts? You bet your ass I do
— ibid (@ibid78) June 5, 2016
My best friend and I pinky swore if we were still single at 75, we’d t e a r e a c h o t h e r l i m b f r o m l i m b
— Super Cynthia (@Super_Cynthia) June 1, 2016
Me: are you mad at me?
Wife: stop renting clowns to have dinner with us
Rented Clown: I’m gonna go
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) June 2, 2016
Human 1: I have a weird idea I want to run by you
Human 2: k
Human 1: we should brush teeth and poop in the same room
Human 2: omg brilliant
— Prof Hinkley (@Prof_Hinkley) May 24, 2015
The inventor of movie showtimes has died. Those wishing to pay their respects can attend services at 4:30, 5:10, 6:20, 8:15, 9:30 and 10:45
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) June 5, 2016
Teacher: Billy, please tell the class what the 25th letter of the alphabet is
Teacher: because i fucken asked you to that’s why
— FRO underscore VO (@fro_vo) June 6, 2016
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 19, 2016
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) March 10, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.