Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the funniest tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the best tweets we saw this week.
“I don’t trust Muslims, they have some funny beliefs and customs,” he said while dragging a pine tree into his living room for some reason
— ♡ brian essbe ♡ (@SortaBad) November 26, 2016
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) December 6, 2016
My wife had a medical procedure where she had anesthesia. I’m in the waiting room and she just started texting me. pic.twitter.com/Ii8Zisrx9N
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) December 7, 2016
WOLVERINE’S DAD: Son do you know why I named you Wolverine
WOLVERINE: No, father
WOLVERINE’S DAD: It is because my name is Wolverine’s Dad— Autumnal Daniel (@AnnDabromowitz) December 4, 2016
Me, after 3 beers: normal
Me, after 4 beers: doing karaoke to Rhianna “Work” and making the sound of a cat puking for the chorus— several onions (@Amusitr0n) December 5, 2016
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
— fro vo (@fro_vo) November 10, 2016
wife: I’m leaving you
me: why?
wife: You’re so childish
me: i’m not, come on, here, sit down and we’ll talk
wife: ok
me: *pulls chair away*— Dan (@ehdannyboy) December 6, 2016
13 friends with birthdays today on Facebook. Was too lazy. So they all got a copy and paste of “Happy birthday, Jason.”
— TokenSuperhero (@MarcusTheToken) December 8, 2016
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) December 5, 2016
The new gluten free version of Lady and The Tramp is terrible. pic.twitter.com/bFdjVMWHcY
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) December 7, 2016
My cat learned he could scoop up food with his cone and stole my damn taco when I wasn’t looking 🌮 pic.twitter.com/R75ZNR8QE0
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 8, 2016
ME: [walks into a bar]
BARTENDER: hey we don’t want any trouble mister
ME (a door to door salesman of the board game “Trouble”): aw dang
— huntigula (@huntigula) December 2, 2016
This is the most disgusting candy bar I’ve ever had pic.twitter.com/uf2ST0vpNn
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) December 3, 2016
GOD: Haha remember the black plague?
ANGEL: Yeah, harsh
GOD: One of my best
ANGEL: How about 2016?
GOD: Oh…I feel bad about that one tbh
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 23, 2016
*masseuse uncovers my back*
oh that tattoo? I went through a falcon phase
*uncovers leg*
lol another falcon phase
*uncovers butt*
falco
— ollka crump (@dulcetry) December 8, 2014
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.
