Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been a retweet of one of the best tweets from long ago. Either way, these were the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
BREAKING: Thomas the Tank Engine is a body shaming bastard pic.twitter.com/7i9bOrOBAj
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 6, 2016
I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won’t leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) March 7, 2016
When you’re like I have nothing to wear LOL pic.twitter.com/V73GJQnYdo
— Sassafrantz (@Sassafrantz) March 8, 2016
Grandfather: I fought in 2 wars, came home and raised 5 kids with your grandmother
Me: Sometimes I don’t read emails because I’m too tired
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 6, 2016
Ted Cruz is the physical manifestation of hearing your parents having sex.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) March 4, 2016
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) March 4, 2016
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) March 5, 2016
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
— Mel on Earth (@MelKassel) March 9, 2016
God: You must not eat the apple from the Tree of Knowle-
Eve: Actually, it just says “fruit”.
God: Ugh, you know what? Painful childbirth.
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) March 8, 2016
“Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, can’t you see?”
— maura quint (@behindyourback) December 10, 2012
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
M: another pen
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) February 20, 2016
cheers to my favorite guy of the day, who just called sour cream “white sauce” pic.twitter.com/GDbeDbSEpv
— Bobby Joe (@bobby) March 9, 2016
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) July 10, 2013
dad: son, it’s time i gave you something that has been passed down in our family through several generations *gives me alcoholism*
— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) February 26, 2016
Online guy: wanna chat I’m 9 inches
Me: i’m 5′8′‘ you would barely reach the middle of my shin how could we hold hands on our wedding day
— Pony Starwars (@tigersgoroooar) March 9, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.