Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the top tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Little secret about me: my answer to the question “would you like a receipt” is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018
Boyfriend ~ Are u upset with me ?
Me ~
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes— Being Rashmee (@Rush_Me_Tweets) July 8, 2018
Me dating at 21:
So what do you like to do for fun?Me dating at 27:
How aware are you of your past traumas and how actively are you working to heal them so that you don’t project that shit on me?— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) July 26, 2018
Me: what’s a double entendre
Her: it means two things
Me: ok what’s one of them
— andrews not dead (yet) (@AndrewsNotFunny) July 25, 2018
[that scene in LOTR where everyone joins Frodo on his conquest]
Aragorn: you have my sword
Legolas: and my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Me: *slips and spills a huge pot of spaghetti* and my spaghetti
— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) August 1, 2018
[dinner at NY Times Crossword Editor Will Shortz’s house]
WILL: So good to see you! Can I get you a four letter alcoholic drink?
ME: Sure, I’d love a…beer?
WILL: [shakes his head]
ME: I mean, wine
WILL: [nods and goes to the kitchen]
ME: This is gonna be exhausting
— Kevin Flynn 🌀 (@flynncredible) August 1, 2018
“Ahhh fuck” – me realizing tonight is the fun concert I excitedly bought tickets for
— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) July 23, 2018
Batman: I must save this city.
Alfred: Well you’re a billionaire so maybe redistr-
Batman: This bat suit is the only way.
— anti power caller (@QGotNoRings) July 24, 2018
the uterus is the original 3D printer tbqh
— kim ⛄️ (@KimmyMonte) August 1, 2018
Me: I want to be better
Depression: *Jedi hand wave* you don’t want to be better
Me: I don’t want to be better
Depression: you want to isolate yourself from those who care about you
Me: I want to isolate myself from those who care about me
Depression: cheese
Me: cheese
— Kyle 🌱 (@KylePlantEmoji) July 23, 2018
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) August 1, 2018
I don’t like to complain, but if humans were smaller there would be a lot more rideable animals.
— Jessica Fox (@HelloJessicaFox) July 1, 2018
Hand out ponchos to the first two rows of whatever event you’re going to next. “When does the water stuff start? …And why????” people will wonder nonstop as they sit through 3 hours of Mozart in a poncho.
— madds (@whatmaddness) July 22, 2018
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
— Adam (@Browtweaten) July 30, 2018
[packing for a 1-week trip]
“yep these clothes should cover me for all the seasons”
— batkaren (@batkaren) July 23, 2018
Be sure to check out the top tweets from last week next.
