Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
ME IN NORMAL CLOTHES: I am nothing. I am invisible.
ME THE SECOND I PUT ON A SCARF: I am a handsome rich millionaire who knows about horses. Make way.
— Natemare On Elm Street (@thenatewolf) September 9, 2018
i texted my dad saying “happy monday let’s get this bread”. his response was “i can go to Costco after work”. amazing
— satomaa (@ammazing_) October 15, 2018
fuck you, horse trailer on the highway with no horses in it for me to wave at. fuck. you.
— markydoomdoom (@markydoodoo) May 21, 2018
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) October 13, 2018
Genie: What is your wish?
Alanis: I’d like a knife10,000 spoons magically appear
Alanis: Okay, yes, I had that one coming
— TheAlexNevilSpooky (@TheAlexNevil) October 15, 2018
my son needs help with his algebra homework so i snuck out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
— kim 🎃☠️👻 (@KimmyMonte) October 15, 2018
Nostradamus: yes
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
— spookYgrene (@Ygrene) October 12, 2018
date: so, tell me about yourself
me: *remembering women like a little mystery* no
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) October 17, 2018
STRANGER: Take our picture?
ME: I’m a pretty bad photographer, but sure
STRANGER: *hands me camera* You’ll be fine
ME: *somehow holding a toaster instead* Smile!
— Thomas Brendel 🔀 (@theSolemnBard) October 10, 2018
Um, they prefer the term “goth” pic.twitter.com/YlKPOihjZv
— yeah ok (@poutinesmoothie) February 6, 2018
a bf/gf:
• hard to acquire
• needs time n attentionan intestinal parasite:
• comes free with ur meal
• always hanging out wit u
• will love ur tummy any way it is
• no bickering
• sharing the same meals <3
• will never give up on u until forcibly detached— f thot fitzgerald (@dracomallfoys) October 7, 2018
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
— JokerKaren (@batkaren) October 12, 2018
ME: life isn’t worth living
YOUTUBE: Cat Sneezes 51 Times
ME: you play an unfair game, YouTube— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) October 19, 2018
Whenever I’m tired of a shoe, I just get on the highway and chuck it out the window like everyone else.
— gavin (@distracdad) April 5, 2018
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) October 22, 2017
Now wait just a goddamn minute. Don’t you want to see the top tweets from last week?
