Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some very funny tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) April 25, 2018
https://twitter.com/jbillinson/status/1070135112661114880
MY MOM AT 36: wakes up, showers, gets dressed, makes breakfast for whole family, does 2 loads of laundry, heads to work
ME AT 36: wakes up, mainlines coffee all morning, shares a few memes, whines a bunch about how hard it is being an adult, lets kids eat chips for breakfast
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 25, 2018
90% of getting older is talking about how nice the person was at the store you were just at
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 16, 2018
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 8, 2018
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) April 19, 2018
mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipelayer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
AC repairman: I’m exhausted
window-washer: I’m wiped
accountant: I’m spent
soldier: I’m fatigued
trash collector: I’m wasted
plumber: I’m pooped
undertaker: I’m dead— Mowgli (@Holy_Mowgli) April 23, 2018
Just saw a woman walking a tiny dog, then realised it was a pigeon & thought oo a woman walking a pigeon but it was just a woman and a pigeon, they didn’t know each other
— morning unglory (@glowypanda) December 3, 2017
I’m tired of all these documentaries about how unhealthy food is, how about a documentary about how food is more delicious than it ever and for thousands of years it was probably gross and now we can at least die enjoying bacon double cheeseburgers
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) April 21, 2018
“I’m going to the store. You can come if you want”
– my wife telling me I’m going to the store with her
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 20, 2018
Paul McCartney (1964): Ahh, I love making good normal rock music that everyone can enjoy *uses marijuana once* but what if instead we made unlistenable circus music
— popular comedy account “the pixelated boat” (@pixelatedboat) April 20, 2018
cop: are you high?
me: hello, am i what?
cop: high
me: hello
— cory (@_coryrichardson) March 3, 2018
Bless me father for I have sinned, I keep singing the bare naked ladies.
Priest: how long has it been since your last confession
Me: it’s been…— Sarah Jones (@SarahJonesVent) April 17, 2018
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
— Phil (@geowizzacist) April 9, 2018
I just want to take a minute and brag about not having caffeine today.
*falls asleep at 7:00pm*
— Lord Jame (@ObscureGent) April 25, 2018
Don’t you dare go anywhere without checking out the top tweets from last week.
