Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some very funny tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this extra special dose of 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week that are surprisingly entirely Trump-free.
Focus group. This could have been avoided with 1 focus group (of women). pic.twitter.com/C76lv5ji33
— Jillian David (@JillianDavid13) July 3, 2017
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”— kristen drum (@kristendrum) July 4, 2017
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
— Flora Flora (@Flora__Flora) June 29, 2017
“Hey!”
*thousands of people turn around*
Guy who invented names: I HAVE to fix this.
— y.a.b.k.a.t (@ohen39) July 5, 2017
“tzatziki” is greek for “hidden valley ranch dressing”
— ret byram (@rad_milk) July 6, 2017
infinity was invented when a mathematician got drunk and knocked over an 8
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) July 4, 2017
[while being tackled by police dog] what’s his name?
— brent (@murrman5) July 3, 2017
My wife just got banned from the bumper cars for telling everyone how to drive.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) July 2, 2017
Never meet your heroes pic.twitter.com/DTP7jMbSMf
— tucker stone (@factualopinion) July 1, 2017
My 3yr old told me my breath was smelly & that my butt is jiggly so basically we have a new rule at our house where nobody talks.
— SingleBabyMama (@_SingleBabyMama) June 30, 2017
I’ve said this before but dentists don’t like it when you try to lick the tools as they’re going in
— Lisa Hanawalt (@lisadraws) June 28, 2017
[friends jumping off cliff one by one]
Me: oh my god, mom. It’s happening…— SJ (@SuperJuanderer) April 25, 2015
I want to be wealthy enough to leave a house-sitter notes like: “Put the leopard on the treadmill to the Rocky III soundtrack. Twice daily.”
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 1, 2017
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) June 28, 2017
“So anyway, kids are doing great. John got a dick tattoo on his cheek & his ear’s a ballsack. Jen’s in soccer. Everything’s pretty normal.” pic.twitter.com/gilS5LGKMo
— beth can’t with this (@bourgeoisalien) March 29, 2017
And if you need even more, you can check out the funniest tweets from last week.
