Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the most hilarious tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
The scroll to find my birth year on websites is getting uncomfortably long.
— NUTTY! (@NutellaV) July 13, 2018
I walked around my room and drank all the water in the random water bottles left everywhere, would a depressed person do THAT?
— Allison (BTBB) (@sug_knight) July 15, 2018
“You’re fucking next.” pic.twitter.com/CrfZwklp4K
— Gary Dudak (@dudakattack) August 8, 2018
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
— Christin Bailey (@hexprax) August 3, 2018
HUGE plot hole in reality: every person carries around a device with access to the totality of human knowledge and yet people are constantly wrong about everything.
— Dice Funk (@austinyorski) August 7, 2018
[first time doing standup]
ME: *struggling to climb onto the stage* isn’t it wild how lasagna be cake
— Kevin (not the minion) (@Kevaclysm) August 6, 2018
Genie: You have two wishes left
Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead
Penie: And your final wish?
Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead
Penis:
Ms: Nics
— wilson (@arnpriesterw) August 7, 2018
Welcome to existentialism club, who knows why we’re here?
— keith (@tchrquotes) April 8, 2018
[running into my goth friends when i’m wearing a baby blue polo] guys i can explain
— the high class soap boy (@trojansauce) July 30, 2018
[evolution of a work email]
FUCK YOU I SPECIFICALLY SAID-
*deletedeletedelete*
If you had taken the time to actually read wha-
*deletedeletedelete*
Apologies, I will be more clear next time 🙂
— Das Skoogeth (@Skoogeth) August 7, 2018
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
— Consider John Frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) August 2, 2018
Random Dog: *playing all the way on the other side of the park*
Me: [to no one] Bring him to me— Mark Magark (@markedly) July 24, 2018
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) July 28, 2018
I’m lucky my job lets me work from home one day a week. It’s so much more convenient! I don’t even have to go into the bathroom to cry
— Hi, it’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) August 8, 2018
after four years my girlfriend still gives me butterflies every time I see her.
she knows I’m terrified of butterflies they’ve taken over my home why does she do this to me she’s so mean someone please help me
— moose 🦌 (@tiemoose) August 1, 2018
If you need more, you can always check out these very funny tweets from last week.
