Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has two settings
exec: ok
bob: one at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: nice nice
— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) March 15, 2018
I can’t believe there’s a President who has sex with porn stars and wants a space army and I still hate him.
— karmageddon (@IanKarmel) March 13, 2018
[Concert]
*Band leaves the stage*
Crowd: “One more song!”
Me: *yells over crowd*
“Can’t you see they’re tired!”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) March 13, 2018
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) March 11, 2018
my pug has 4 beds and takes medicine for a thyroid condition just like his wolf ancestors
— kim 🖤 (@KimmyMonte) March 11, 2018
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. The farmers name was Bingo, not the dog
— Boog (@BoogTweets) March 9, 2018
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) March 20, 2018
ME (signing myself up for something I KNOW I’m not gonna feel like doing later on down the road): take that, future me, you old bitch
— turanga maison (@maisonshouting) March 21, 2018
i sold our coffee table on craigslist so i could do p90x in my living room
my mom? pissed
my body? shredded
— ryan (@ryanyeetz) March 10, 2018
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.
— sg incognito (@iamspacegirl) March 21, 2018
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.— meh (@bonehugsnirony) February 19, 2018
after you die you have to watch a recording of every time you tried to sing along to the reverse part of Missy Elliott’s “Work It.”
— The Economy, Stupid (@nachdermas) March 21, 2018
Wow just because I wore a jean skirt over jean pants to your wedding doesn’t mean I wasn’t invited
— Caitlin (@caithuls) March 22, 2018
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) March 12, 2018
MySpace: We’re a social network.
Facebook: We can do that too!
SnapChat: We let you send disappearing messages.
Facebook: Great idea!
Venmo: We let you send mon—
Facebook: Us too!
Governments: We’d love to meddle in elections.
Facebook: DO IT WITH FACEBOOK!
— jordan (@JordanUhl) March 18, 2018
Don’t leave without seeing these very funny tweets from last week!
