Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some hilarious tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Kidnapper: [on the phone] we have your sister, the ransom is $100,000
Me: no thanks
Kidnapper: but she’s your family
Me: I mean, we haven’t talked in 8 months
Kidnapper: you could call her too you know
Me: nice try Mom
Dad: [in the background] did it work?
— I’m Dad (@NewDadNotes) May 1, 2018
INTERVIEWER: i think you’d be a great addition to our internet startup
ME: well this has been a complete waste of time
INTERVIEWER: excuse me?
ME (rips off my clip on tie and slams it on his desk): THE INTERNET HAS ALREADY BEEN STARTED
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 1, 2018
Therapist: What’s wrong?
Me: If I do the Borat voice once more, I’ll be getting a divorce
Therapist: And who told you that?
Me: *tearfully clears throat*
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 30, 2018
Me: It’s gonna be okay. *points up to the sky* That’s where you’re going when you die
Stepdad: *looks out the window to see a plane writing “burn in hell, Gerald”*
Me: *tears in eyes* That cost a ton of money, but I just hate you so much
— Abam (@AdamBroud) May 2, 2018
26yo me: Ugh, why the fuck does everyone post so many photos of their kids on facebook?
36yo me: [wipes away tears as my infant son waves his hand a bit] THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 1, 2018
Really enjoying this subway guitarist’s rendition of “Maybe Hotel California or Possibly Umbrella by Rihanna.”
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) April 17, 2018
[lost in the desert]
ME (phone battery at 1%): *sends final text: i can’t SAND it here😂*
*my bones are found months later, polished shiny white. my skull is grinning*
— wylde de beest (@flashember) April 18, 2018
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) May 1, 2018
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
— elv (@_ElvishPresley_) January 12, 2018
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) March 25, 2018
*battlefield turns into a giant orgy*
Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 5, 2018
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) May 3, 2018
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
— Llama In A Tux (@LlamaInaTux) April 30, 2018
Commentator: He just tripped on his dirty clothes with the light off. Let’s see if he can avoid them with the light on. Looking good so f- welp he just tripped on them again. Todd whatcha think
Todd: why doesn’t he just pick them up?
C: he says it’s depression but frankly I’m n
— surf ghost (@moutheaters) April 6, 2018
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 20, 2018
You want more funny tweets? You got ’em!