Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of hilarious tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
They kicked me out of the general store for trying to buy something specific
— ElleOhHell (@ElleOhHell) September 14, 2016
Way way way fewer calories from drinking Coke with your mouth closed pic.twitter.com/2z0G9jNNfK
— Drew (@MostlyPregnant) September 15, 2016
You. Me. Fine wine. Candlelit dinner. A fireplace. Romantic music. Pancakes. Spaceship. The Civil War. Giraffes. I’m… I’m having a stroke.
— Jordan (@jordan_stratton) February 25, 2015
Spoiler alert: it’s water pic.twitter.com/jpIT3ETcRh
— Rob Cee (@TheRobCee) September 14, 2016
[price is right]
DREW: ur bid?
CONTESTANT 3: eleventy billion
DREW: dumb. not even a real number but ok. Brandon?
ME: eleventy billion and 1
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) September 10, 2016
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card pic.twitter.com/wgMbu1VX80
— LΞI (@leifromloihi) September 10, 2016
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
— joe (@sad_tree) September 9, 2016
HEALTH INSPECTOR: sooooooo a few things… pic.twitter.com/wWzMTTy7HJ
— Rob Tanchum (@robtanchum) September 9, 2016
ME: [looking at a drawing my 5 year old made] wow that’s an awesome….. Shrek??
HER: DADDY! IT’S YOU!
ME: wow. ok seriously, fuck you
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) September 7, 2016
Being a 90s child was weird, songs about lithium and heroin and “sex type thing”s remind me of kindergarten
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) September 7, 2016
— Rob Fee (@robfee) September 11, 2016
This is the first time Republicans have cared about a woman’s health.
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) September 11, 2016
[Alex Trebek] this is the opposite of hate
[me] what is love
[Trebek under his breath] baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more
— ibid (@ibid78) September 14, 2016
Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I’m sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 26, 2015
(Pulls up to the prescription window at the grocery)
“Hey, can you guys go grab me a gallon of milk?”
— call me liv-sy (@liv_thatsme) September 15, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.