Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the top tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Peeing sober
▶ 🔘──────── 00:00:06
Peeing drunk
▶ 🔘──────── 14:54:19
— Michael 🕶 (@Home_Halfway) July 19, 2018
ME: alexa play Wu Tang Clan
ALEXA: no
ME: why not
ALEXA: look in a mirror…you’re wearing cargo shirts, calf high socks, sandals and a Spider-man t-shirt
ME: …
ALEXA: here’s some Imagine Dragons— Bucky Isotope (@BuckyIsotope) July 18, 2018
Starting a reverse gofundme to take Elon musks money
— Poster’s boy (@hippieswordfish) July 16, 2018
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
— Wanda Maximoff (@scarletwitchwc1) July 17, 2018
[Sacha Baron Cohen’s fake moustache glue drips down his chin]
Any Republican: Thank you, Mr. Hoax, for allowing me to explain why Jews have it coming to them…
— Gabe Delahaye (@gabedelahaye) July 15, 2018
Me: I love my new blue dress!
People on twitter:
– Blue is the worst colour!
– Women don’t have to wear dresses, it’s 2018!
– Ooh, please post pictures of new blue dress!
– *Something completely unrelated about Trump*— Lisa Marie 🏳️🌈 (@xLiserx) July 13, 2018
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
— Janie Partially in a Basket (@AtticusFinch79) July 18, 2018
Dress your twins in matching outfits so we know you’re a psychopath.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 10, 2018
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
— Julia Galef (@juliagalef) July 17, 2018
There’s always gonna be that one guy in the Purge who’s just using the day to water his lawn more than municipal regulations allow
— Radrosaur (@CopernicusG) July 13, 2018
honestly the best feeling in the world is when you pick up someone’s cat, and they’re like “i can’t believe she’s letting you hold her!!!” i am the cats friend. the cat whisperer. the forest nymph. the cat charmer.
— mar ❁ (@ahimsax) July 12, 2018
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
— Travis a go-go (@Prof_Hinkley) July 18, 2018
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 16, 2018
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
— Elliot (@ElliotHetherton) July 14, 2018
I have 2 modes:
“i’m not eating any carbs”
or
“damn, sticky rice on a bagel is actually kinda good”— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 19, 2018
And don’t forget to check out the funniest tweets of last week.
