Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) September 23, 2018
My phone is a dog photo album that also gets calls from fake numbers.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) September 21, 2018
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?— Marf (@MarfSalvador) May 9, 2018
MY MOM: You were such a terrible baby. Up at 5am every morning just DEMANDING attention.
ME: You mean like a baby?
MY MOM: So needy.
ME: Yeah, that’s just a regular baby.
MY MOM: Terrible.
ME: Well, I learned from the best.
— batkaren (@batkaren) September 20, 2018
friend: I just found out one of my twins lost another tooth
me: really? which one?
friend: Timmy
me: weird name for a tooth, but ok
— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 19, 2018
{Meeting anybody in clown makeup }
ME: You have missed your lips by, like, a lot.— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) September 21, 2018
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) September 16, 2018
I still can’t believe Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman is gone.
— eric af (@ewfeez) September 8, 2018
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
— Bread Savage (@papasuncle) September 7, 2017
A large part of my gardening technique is saying “come on, you dumbass” to various plants. But really it is I, who spends hours hunched over in the sun, hands thrashed by thorns, sweat dripping from my brow, attempting to control nature itself, it is I who is the dumbass.
— jess (@jessokfine) September 25, 2018
Sun: I keep you warm and give you vitamin D!
Rain: I water your crops and replenish your drinking water!
Hail: I PELT YOU WITH VENGEFUL ICE CUBES FROM THE SKY.
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) September 24, 2018
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) September 24, 2018
If a kid says you look like shit, you do.
— liv. (@livlivme_do) September 23, 2018
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) November 7, 2017
ME: Here, I finished your wife’s portrait
HIM: This just looks like the back of her head
ME: Oh well, back to the drawing board
HIM: Are you saying you’ll try again?
ME: No, I’m saying she had her back to the drawing board
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) September 25, 2018
Don’t forget to have a little peek at last week’s very funny tweets.
