Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) January 11, 2018
JAMES BLUNT: You stink
JAMES TACTFUL: I bought you this perfume
— Tide ‘Podi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) January 9, 2018
KID: can i eat a tide pod
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 17, 2018
Checkmate, Flat Earthers pic.twitter.com/b5uzQgqLA6
— Don Cloate going to ANE (@Bobby_Corwin) January 15, 2018
Excited about my new toothbrush. Being an adult is stupid.
— heather lou* (@heatherlou_) December 15, 2017
Honey, I shrunk the kids
Honey, I blew up the kids
Honey, I made the kids believe they were exceptional and complimented them on their talent rather than their work ethic and now they’re in their mid to late 20s and never developed the ability to finish a passion project
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) January 13, 2018
If a Transformer died could you just use it’s body as a regular car? Like, respectfully tho.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) January 12, 2018
Working on my five year plan:
5. And then they’ll all be sorry.
— Frankie Zelnick (@phranqueigh) January 5, 2018
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
— unblock me you coward (@a_lolbrarian) January 14, 2018
How will I know what I sound like when running into battle if I don’t occasionally practice on the treadmill? I don’t want to look stupid when it counts.
— mad maenad (@whatmaddness) January 5, 2018
“I’m a foodie.”
me: oh yeah wow, you like food? like the stuff that sustains life and that no one could survive without? that makes you very cool and interesting. i bet you’re a breathie, too, you fucking moron.
— liVsy. (@liv_thatsme) January 3, 2018
sleepovers when ur small: omg stop laughing and go to sleep u guys!!
sleepovers now: i don’t think i’m capable of love
— danny devito (@lusxt) January 11, 2018
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
— Ally Gator 🐊 (@notacroc) November 30, 2017
me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
— Kal (@captainkalvis) January 12, 2018
ME: (checking Facebook) Aww, my cousin had her baby.
ME: (checking Twitter) Aww, people want me to kill myself because I like grilled cheese.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) January 11, 2018
Before you go, you should probably check out the funniest tweets from last week.