Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the top tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
— Cats are the future (@iLikeCatShirts) April 17, 2018
you, dumb: snakes have no legs
me, a true genius: snakes are just one whole leg
— phteven (@PhriendlyCody) April 12, 2018
[Chopped]
Host: 30 SECONDS REMAINING!
Me: *dumping ingredients into crock-pot* shit shit shit
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) April 11, 2018
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year— rob elliott (@rockymomax) April 16, 2018
robber: everyone get down!
me: *slowly reaches for pocket*
robber: nobody try anything funny
me: *slowly slips balloon for balloon animal back into pocket*
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) April 18, 2018
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?— THE Burger King (@ABurgerADay) July 14, 2017
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 15, 2018
ME: 1,2,3,4 I declare a thumb war
GUY AT BAR: 5,6,7,8 try to touch me again and I’ll murder you *storms off*
ME: wtf that didn’t even rhyme
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) April 17, 2018
Glad I deleted Facebook.
Now I have to roll up a tiny scroll of engagement photos and political opinions and give it to a falcon.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) April 12, 2018
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
— tragic ally (@TragicAllyHere) April 13, 2018
It alarms me how I pause longingly every time I scroll by an ad for a weighted blanket on Instagram.
— Maris Kreizman (@mariskreizman) April 17, 2018
[third date]
ME: i want you to meet my parents
HER: uhh, don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?
ME: nah, it’s after 7, they should be home by now
— The Hyperbolic Time Chamber (@TheHyyyype) April 16, 2018
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?— Marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2018
No one tells you how much of parenting is just sitting in the car in a parking lot.
— Northern Lights 🦖 (@PinkCamoTO) February 7, 2018
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 14, 2018
Also, don’t forget to have a gander at last week’s funniest tweets.
