Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the top tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
If Facebook Was Real
me: cool shirt Brian
[hours later, a knock at my door]
me: um yes?
Brian’s Mom: I also like that shirt
— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) August 29, 2016
My little sister first day of college….. pic.twitter.com/193rmYgCAo
— #1 (@PardonMyHype) August 24, 2016
WAITER: May i suggest a white wine to go with the fish?
ME: Oh i brought my own *i miss the hole in my Capri Sun and jam it through my hand*
— Ally Gator (@notacroc) August 31, 2016
CBS really should have switched the tag lines for Kevin James new sitcom and the new MacGyver… pic.twitter.com/VEbbL2B6LK
— Chrissy Shackelford (@ChrissySh) August 29, 2016
“Ryan Lochte? I haven’t heard that name in years,” states Ryan Lochte, boldly lighting the wrong end of a cigarette
— Mayor P (@punmagnate) August 24, 2016
Topher Grace always looks like he just sent you a text while in the same room & is waiting for you to open it pic.twitter.com/GvtQLXbgrP
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) August 29, 2016
Sad to hear that the inventor of the calendar is unwell. His days are numbered.
— Ollie Garch (@ojedge) August 29, 2016
Dad: *hands me pen* This was your Grandpa’s. He used it to write us during WWII and-
Me: I lost it
M: I’ve already lost the pen
— decent pidgeon (@decentbirthday) August 29, 2016
Good to see Rolling Stone still has the reporter who yells, “WHAT A SCOOP!” on their payroll. pic.twitter.com/4PI2Gjw7PJ
— Scott Bromley (@Scott_Bromley) August 28, 2016
On average, I would say my dog is staring directly at me 23 hours and 54 minutes a day.
— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) August 26, 2016
friend: how are things?
me: things are good!
narrator: things were not good
— keely flaherty (@flahertykeely) August 25, 2016
Yiddish curses do not fuck around pic.twitter.com/dEUgEASkQU
— lanyard (@lanyardigan) August 30, 2016
The beach near my house is only for people explaining their dogs’ personalities to other people with dogs
— Andrew Spena (@iamsosorry) August 28, 2016
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
— Markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) April 10, 2016
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
— Terry F (@daemonic3) August 29, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.