Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some very funny tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Hey, wait…don’t forget to check out the best tweets from last week.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) May 15, 2018
The most important thing I’ve learned in life, and I can’t stress this enough: you gotta make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) May 14, 2018
pretty wild that TJ Maxx is named after the two kids you knew in middle school who yelled at their parents in front of you
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) May 15, 2018
Me: I’m going on holiday with my partner next week.
Ian: Abroad?
Me: I prefer to say woman.
— Ian Sausage (@stephenjmolloy) May 11, 2018
[on the phone]
Kidnapper: we have kidnapped your son
Me: Can I please talk to him?
*kidnapper hands phone to son*
Son: *crying* dad?
Me: where’s the fucking remote?— yabkat (@ohen39) April 23, 2018
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
— Matt (@Stap_Jr) May 3, 2018
I took a side profile to see how my nose looked and idk what I was expecting to see but I think I just hurt my own feelings
— hafsa (@honestlyhafsa) May 13, 2018
Me: (making elephant sounds while pretending my penis is a trunk)
Guy next to me at urinal: …
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) April 30, 2018
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
— Consider John frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) May 16, 2018
Some people do not go through the world thinking “what I just did was very stupid” about everything, and frankly, I am the opposite of these people.
— ErinEph (@ErinEph) May 16, 2018
OH WONDERFUL MY FRIENDS ARE IN TOWN VISITING AND NOW I HAVE TO PRETEND I AM NOT BORING
— NOT A WOLF (@SICKOFWOLVES) May 8, 2018
it takes 45 muscles to frown, but only 10 muscles to smile. frown all day. lose weight. get ripped. gainz
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 12, 2018
brain [Lisa Simpson voice]
According to my calculations I should be losing weight by now. I don’t understand. 🙁stomach [Ralph Wiggum voice]
I ate 4 lunches today! 🙂— molly (@MollySneed) May 15, 2018
don’t fuck with beekeepers. they can literally release the bees at any time. any. time.
— phteven (@PhriendlyCody) May 14, 2018
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
— M@thew (@TweetPotato314) May 16, 2018
Hold on now…don’t you want to check out the best tweets from last week?
