Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some very funny tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
I’m reading an article entitled “Top 20 Must Visit Places Before You Die” and I’m disappointed cos there is no mention of the word hospital.
— Tacosaurus Wrecks (@aksorojas) September 21, 2017
Flamingos are swans that listen to Jimmy Buffett don’t @ me
— Branson Reese (@bransonreese) September 27, 2017
11YR OLD: dad, there are 63 red, 57 yellow, 59 blue but only 19 green ones in my Froot Loops bowl…such an odd outlier
ME: [frightened] cool
— Andy Hardy (@AndyAsAdjective) September 21, 2017
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
— wylde de beest (@flashember) September 22, 2017
I wish I could have been a doctor writing prescriptions in the Old West.
Cut it off
— Greg Wright (@GregHenchman) November 13, 2013
me: how can peggy even be a nickname for margaret?
gf: you know your friend john who everybody calls jack?
me: oh yeah
gf: i slept with him
— duumb (@duumb) June 22, 2017
Make flying fun by dressing like a fortune teller & ominously telling random people in the airport, “Well, we all have to go sometime.”
— liVsy was here. (@liv_thatsme) September 11, 2017
habeas corpus is latin for “have any corpses?”
— Hype Hyperson (@TheHyyyype) September 21, 2017
Me: I wish I had a flat stomach.
Also Me: If you put ice cream between two Kit Kat bars, that’s totally a sandwich.
— Lisa Marie (@xLiserx) September 27, 2017
What do I do? Oh, I’m a ghost ghost writer. Ever heard of a little thing called OooooOooo? Yup I wrote that
— She’sARealGenius (@ShesARealGenius) September 19, 2017
Wife: you are such an idiot
Me: what’s a nidiot
Me: what is it
Me: what’s a nidiot Linda
Me: *googles nidiot*
— Fro Vo (@fro_vo) September 26, 2017
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) September 6, 2017
Do YOU appear in the form of water droplets?
Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning?
If so you MAY be dew condensation.
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) November 17, 2016
Shania Twain’s real name is “Samantha Clemens”
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) September 21, 2017
Life in the US is now like one of those “you got peanut butter in my chocolate” ads, except it’s politics, and it got in fucking everything.
— batkaren (@batkaren) September 23, 2017
If you need even more, you can check out the best tweets from last week.