Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) April 4, 2018
Ooh, I’m Indiana Jones, imma ignore this monumental architecture that incorporates moving parts to create ingenious traps that still work after hundreds if not thousands of years and focus on this golden idol that literally any dumbass with a forge could make in a weekend.
— Living Marble (@living_marble) April 1, 2018
A lot of people wonder, “Do I have to choose between making money & doing something I like” and here’s what I always say: I don’t know and I’m scared
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 18, 2018
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
— FirstTimeDad (@NewDadNotes) March 6, 2018
victim: HELP IM DYING
millennial cop: SAME OMG WHO DID THIS😂😂😂
— Kal (@captainkalvis) March 26, 2018
I mean, I wanna delete Facebook, but I also wanna watch my second cousin call her third baby daddy a “broke ass swamp bucket.”
— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) April 4, 2018
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda— FROVO (@fro_vo) April 4, 2018
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
— 🕊old tom🕊 (@YuckyTom) December 15, 2017
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
— TheAlexNevil, Wandering Minstrel (@TheAlexNevil) January 17, 2018
My kids keep writing each other’s names on the walls to get the other in trouble but what they don’t know is that I’m going to kill myself
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) September 26, 2017
Thank god April 1st is over and I can now go back to believing every single thing I read on the Internet.
— Adult Male (@PlainTravis) April 2, 2015
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) April 3, 2018
“What was your name again?” – me about to forget your name yet one more time
— Ian (@Big_Cat74) April 5, 2018
ME: man i wish i remembered my dream from last night
FACEBOOK: ur childhood dentist was chasing u thru a forest. the trees were screaming. and the dentist was wearing l.l.bean boots, which u can buy for $119.99 if u click on this ad
ME: nice thanks
FACEBOOK: 🙂
ME: wait a minute— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 2, 2018
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) April 2, 2018
Hang on a sec…you need to check out the best tweets from last week!
