Congratulations, you’ve made it to the end of what’s seemed like the longest workweek in history. And as your reward, we’ve done what we do best—curated all of the most hilarious tweets from women this week and put them all in one place for your enjoyment.
So, sit back, take a sip of your first cocktail of the evening, and read some of the funniest jokes we found this week and try not to pee your pants from laughter.
Please sign my petition to rename giving birth “going number 3”
— angry wet spider (@birdbutterer) February 19, 2019
i think i’ve found the greatest YouTube comment ever written pic.twitter.com/yHTPc7t9ek
— juliet (@julietmoore_) February 17, 2019
I live in a constant state of craving chicken strips
— Erika (@ErikaIrenee) February 20, 2019
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
— Meaghan O'Connell (@meaghano) February 18, 2019
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
5. 30 boxes of Thin Mints
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) February 19, 2019
i have never listened to voicemails are they any good?
— Hi, it's my Bday. Yep. ⚪️ (@abbycohenwl) February 21, 2019
good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the crosswalk on my way to work who didn’t like that someone honked at her to hurry so she stopped and did a couple jumping jacks
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) February 21, 2019
Do not fucking honk at me. If you honk at me or around me I will get out of my car and tell you the plot of titanic and I will even sing the Celine dion song.
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 21, 2019
TRUE FACT OF THE DAY: When falcon breeders want to breed falcons, they wear special falcon sex hats. The hat encourages the falcon to shag the breeder's head and collects the falcon sperm, which can then be artificially inseminated.
I'll say that again: FALCON SEX HATS. pic.twitter.com/tKy0FXP9Mk
— RedScharlach (@redfacts) February 19, 2019
*tweets about wanting a boyfriend 85 times in one day*
boy: hey would you maybe wanna get dinner someti-
me: hey buddy? just chill the fuck out okay. knock it off
— tay (@taylvr) February 19, 2019
Who will marry you now that the entire world has seen your nipples? Men of nowadays have no morals https://t.co/MndLAqgkBL
— Biliquis (@Biliquis_X) February 14, 2019
Adult email culture is ending every sentence with an exclamation point, then proofreading to see how many is socially acceptable to keep.
— buff cookie ☆ (@springrooove) February 20, 2019
My bf was slow cooking ribs and I guess they were done in the middle of the night. So this man wakes me up at 3 AM and goes “here babe, I brought you a rib.” So we sat in bed and ate ribs. I’ve found my soulmate.
— Kacie (@KacieRaulerson) February 16, 2019