Woman Asks If She’s A Jerk For “Not Sending A Gift For A Wedding I Wasn’t Invited To”

I need no further information — no, you’re never the asshole for not sending a wedding present. It’s a present, it’s a gift, nobody owes anyone anything.

But fine, I’ll elaborate on u/hiddenconcert‘s question for the AITA Reddit community. She wonders if she would be wrong not to send a gift to a wedding she was not invited to. Read on below.

My cousin “Ted” and I are close in age (few years apart). We were always close as kids and even into adulthood still kept in touch.

OP explains that she and her cousin Ted were close as kids and kept in touch as adults. Then Ted met Maddy; OP and Maddy were polite, but OP never connected with her.

Then Ted met Maddy a few years ago and started bringing her to family stuff. I don’t have a problem with Maddy but we just didn’t click. We talk at family stuff but she’s not someone I want to hangout with or become friends with.

Ted’s sister DID click with Maddy. NBD, except OP’s aunt really pushed this woman on OP.

My other cousin (Ted’s sister) really clicked with Maddy, which cool and good for them but I just…don’t. I’m nice and polite but I don’t got out of my way to become her bestie.

My aunt (Ted’s mom) really pushed her on me though. I don’t know if it’s because were the same age-ish or what but it was annoying. Anytime we were both at an event she’d find some way to push us together. I felt like a little kid being forced to play with someone.

OP explains that it was a series of things over time — things like OP’s graduation being moved to accommodate Maddy’s work schedule.

My own college graduation party (grandparents had it because they have a bigger house/yard) had to be moved because Maddy had to work and it wouldn’t be nice to exclude her. Even though it was inconvenient for me and meant most of my friends couldn’t come and I had to rush around.

So again, OP never really bonded with her. Not rude, just not besties.

Anyway like I said I’ve never been rude or anything to her just never really bonded with her.

In passing, another family member asked what OP was getting and OP realized… she hadn’t been invited.

So Ted and Maddy are getting married soon. I knew he was engaged but I didn’t know the wedding was when it is. Another family member asked what I was getting them for a wedding gift and I said “I don’t know” they said “better figure it out before wedding date- (which is very soon)”. I said “oh I didn’t know, I wasn’t invited”. They said “well maybe it’s not personal, you should still get a gift for them”.

Feeling pretty shitty, OP realized that she was just flat up left out. And family was telling her to get a gift anyway and to not be petty.

I asked my dad when he got his invitation and I guess it was a while ago. I said it’s crappy that I wasn’t invited when I had to reschedule my party for them.

He said “that was a graduation party, this is a wedding.Now that you know about it just be a bigger person and get a gift don’t be petty”.

GIRL. LET YOUR PETTY FLAG FLY. It’s not even petty. Do not get these two people a gift; people don’t get to treat you like shit and expect you to take it with a smile.

I don’t want to buy them a gift, and I probably won’t invite Ted to any future events I have. I don’t know why I was left out when everyone else in the family was invited. Maybe because I’m the only cousin on this side. Maybe it’s a budget thing and not personal but I don’t want to spend the money on a gift when I wasn’t cool enough to invite.

To me it’s like having a birthday party and expecting someone I didn’t invite to send me a birthday present.

AITA if I don’t send a gift?

Reddit agrees because OF COURSE this poor woman isn’t a jerk.

“NTA, you weren’t invited, they don’t get a present. Send a nice Congrats card to placate your family, but you absolutely do not need to spend money on them,” wrote one person.

Another said, “NTA I have never heard of an obligatory wedding gift for a wedding you were not invited to.”

And even Miss Manners agrees, “NTA Miss Manners corrects many brides and grooms and says per etiquette guests are not required to give a wedding gift. She’s a hard no for people who were not invited or RSVP with regrets.”