Lex
Let’s face it—sometimes in order to get the job done, we have to do it ourselves. This reigns true for several things in life, but, for sure it reigns true for giving ourselves some pleasure and TLC. While we may map out some time in our day/night to get down with ourselves, sometimes, things go wrong, things happen, and awkwardness presents itself front and center. How do we live these moments down? Welp, we don’t. So, instead, we share them online. Thankfully, some people have the balls to confess their awkward masturbation stories for our laughing pleasure.
1.
When I was younger, the only way I could get off was with the showerhead. For a while, I’d prop my foot up on the soap dish that was attached to the shower wall to get a better angle. After months or years of doing this, I guess it couldn’t take my weight anymore. It came crashing down off the wall mid-session. My parents still haven’t repaired that portion of the wall.
2.
I was spending a few days at my best friends house after a breakup to recover. He has two cats and they were doing their own thing so I was sitting in the living room and decided to have some personal time. He and I had talked about masturbation around the house before so I didn’t feel weird or gross about doing it in his house. Anyways, I am just going at it and all of a sudden I hear an “ahem” and my name coming from the corner. I looked up and learned that he had installed a kitty cam to watch his cats and I was unintentionally putting on a webcam show for him. And to make things worse, I learned later that he was showing his boss and we aren’t sure if she’s aware of what transpired, but my friend definitely did.
3.
I have a 5-year old nephew and we’re pretty close. He used to let himself in my room because he always wanted to play, especially when I’m sleeping during the day (I work night shifts). I was masturbating one morning when he opened the door asking for a bottle of milk. He even asked why I had no clothes on. I just told him I was going to change clothes and afterwards, I told him to knock first before entering any room. It took him a while to practice that. And to let you know, my doorknob is broken so he could easily come in. I’m not willing to change it so from now on, I block my door every time I masturbate.
4.
This wasn’t me, but my man and I had a long distance thing going so we would send each other videos. We had been wanting to for a while but stuff kept getting in the way till finally one night we could. Right as he was at the finish line his parents walked in to talk to him. They just walked right back out.
5.
After moving into my college dorm, a big group of us all decided to get to know each other and go see some museums. We walk into one of the museums and there’s a bag check so the security guards have to check that you don’t have any weapons or anything. Well, I had forgotten that I had my vibrator in there until the very old security guard pulls it out and holds up before asking “um, ma’am what is this” and I had to explain in was a vibrator in front of all the new people I had met at school and all the other people visiting the museum. What a great way to make friends the second day after moving in for your freshman year of college.
6.
My boyfriend at the time and I were having phone sex while I still lived with my dad, and when I started getting handy with my tatas (I was wearing an oversized t-shirt and underwear) I felt something move under my shirt. I cringed and calmly hung up the phone, sat upright, and lifted up my shirt.
A tarantula (my least favorite animal) was perched on my boobs.
I screamed bloody murder and woke up my dad, to which he stormed into my room to find me in my underwear, screaming with a tarantula on my tits.
To this day, I have no idea how the tarantula got there.
7.
I’d been in the shower with my vibrator/dildo when my dad knocked on the doer loudly to inform me that my step brothers pit bull has attacked my Pomeranian and had to be rushed to the vet. I quickly jumped out and got dressed to go with my dog. Only after getting home did I realize I’d left my vibe in plain sight in the middle of the bathroom floor with the door open while the rest of our family was home. Made a bad day worse.
8.
I used to live with two girls in college and one time when we were all hanging out in the living room I went into my room to masturbate to some porn. I was confused as to why the volume on my phone wasn’t working and then all of a sudden I realized my phone was still connected to the bluetooth speaker that was in the living room. I could hear my roommates talking laughing about it and i was MORTIFIED. Now I’m always paranoid about the bluetooth.
9.
When I was about 7, I had just discovered masturbation and I was going at it when my mum walked in. For some reason, instead of stopping, I kept going but brought my hand up so I was frantically rubbing my stomach. I then proceeded to say « my stomach feels funny » after she had JUST watched all of that.
10.
I was watching porn on my phone and it was slipping out of my hand. My boyfriend wasn’t home and his step mom had her entire family over (about 16 people) for Christmas Eve dinner. Well the phone slipped out of my hand and somehow by the grace of god I casted the video to my TV, which was on full volume. I could hear the silence that followed after I tried to quickly turn the TV off. I was traumatized. Still am.
11.
Just the other day. I was having me time and using something on my phone for inspiration. So super close to the top of the hill and my grandpa called. Whew. Talk about instant buzzkill. All of a sudden a pic of my grandpa was on my phone, staring back at me, and I was no longer in the mood.
12.
I once walked in on my stepbrother masturbating in our shared bathroom when I got out of soccer practice early and thought no one was home. I walked in, saw him fully cocked, we locked eyes, I walked out and to this day we’ve never talked about it.
13.
When I was old enough to discover the art of having a me-some, I was young enough to not understand lighted windows at night, and my bed was right next to the window. Let’s just say my street got a nice, enlarged backlit silhouette on my window shade of ONLY MY HAND AND MY PENIS and the motions that follow. Months of this went on before I noticed. My poor neighbors. How do you even bring that up.
14.
In my early twenties I moved back home for a couple of years. The house I grew up in was in pretty remote and rural area and semi off the grid. Our primary means of heat was two cast iron wood burning stoves. While I was living there, we had an extremely long wet winter with months of nonstop rain. To keep the house warm we had a pretty strict routine for maintaining the stoves. On top of this, we couldn’t close bedroom doors at night or the rooms would get too cold. I was also going to school to finish my degree, taking extra courses to finish school and working part time. I did not have much privacy or time to myself and the time I did have was consumed by school, or helping with home heating or just other stuff around the house. One afternoon my professor wasn’t feeling great so he ended class early. I got home, spent an hour dealing with the stoves to warm up the house. After I realized I still had some time before anyone would be home or I needed to start prepping dinner since it was my night to cook. Immediately I got into bed for me time. After I came I realized it had been literal weeks since I had an orgasm because my life was so crazy. I got dressed, washed my hands and started dinner. After a bit, my mom came home, I said hello and asked how her day was. She froze and stared at me shocked. Then she started to rant about how for weeks I had been incredibly grumpy and irritable and gone days at a time without saying any basic greetings to either her or my dad. I listened and apologized and after she left I had a fit of giggles for failing to realize how my lack of orgasms had impacted everyone.
15.
I didn’t realize that the neighbors who where having a 20 people party could see me from their windows. Not until they whistled.
16.
I live in a dorm. I always have this intense fear if I watch porn, I’ll accidentally play it on sound for the entire dorm to hear. I’m always afraid I’ll get in trouble. I’m masturbating (fully clothed thankfully) and I hear a knock at my door. I go over and it is the head of my res hall along with a man in uniform. By this point, I’m freaking out. So I open the door and I’m greeted with “Can we do a fire safety check?” Apparently this had nothing to do with my porn and it was just a concidence.
17.
So for a couple weeks every year, miller moths sneak into everyone’s houses here in Colorado, attracted by the light. One night, I was having some me time using porn on my phone. Problem was, all the other lights in my room were off. Right when I started to climax, one of those pesky moths flew to the light of my phone, only to be sucked into my mouth by a deep breath in! Let me tell you, nothing messes up an orgasm like a moth! I made sure to always leave at least one other light on whenever I masturbated after that.
18.
I was laying in the shower, about to have the best orgasm of my entire life, and the shower curtain fell on me. Talk about ruining the mood.
19.
So when I was about 13, I was over at my grandparents house watching Mythbusters while sitting on their massage chair. My lower back had been hurting, and the chair relieved the pain… abit too much. You can expect what happened after watching a whole marathon of myths for 2 hours nonstop. When I finally finished I had no idea what I experienced and thought I was dying. Grandmother then randomly walked into the room and found me flushed and sobbing. Could never watch Mythbusters the same way again.
